gar's junk

Rob Bell on Hell

2011-02-27T16:31:00.000-05:00

See the video: http://vimeo.com/20272585

This is probably worth a view; its' causing quite a stir related to his book to be released at the end of March: Love Wins. Who, exactly is in hell? Has Rob Bell gone universalist? Would that be the end of the world if he did?

Non-Cooperation With Evil

2011-02-26T22:06:00.000-05:00

To our most bitter opponents we say: “We shall match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering. We shall meet your physical force with soul force. Do to us what you will, and we shall continue to love you. We cannot in all good conscience obey your unjust laws, because non-cooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good. Throw us in jail, and we shall still love you. Send your hooded perpetrators of violence into our communities at the midnight hour and beat us and leave us half dead, and we shall still love you. But be ye assured that we will wear you down by our capacity to suffer. One day we shall win freedom, but not only for ourselves. We shall so appeal to your heart and conscience that we shall win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory.

-- MLK

Why Group?

2011-02-24T08:38:00.001-05:00

A new guy joined us for group last night, and perhaps in light of that (but a great exercise either way) Jack offered each of us the opportunity to express our expectations for small group. I was surprised how clear and defined my own expectations are, and surprised again how selfish my list sounded – but I think it’s a good list. Here's it is:

1. Authenticity. I don’t want to waste time pretending to be something I am not, or hearing you do likewise. Group is a sacred place where we determine to be honest, including our fears, difficulties, and failures.

2. Confidentiality. Authenticity doesn’t happen without a reassurance of safety. It’s hard enough to risk rejection in the group by letting you know my crap, I certainly don’t want it shared outside the group.

3. No advice. I enjoy and learn from the advice that sometimes will surface in group, but that’s not why I come. I simply need to be heard an accepted. My true challenges have little to do with needing guidance. I pretty much know what I need to do. More often, I simply need to be honest with myself, and honesty in group helps me do that.

4. Presence. The thing I really come to group for is to be with the guys. When there is a good exchange of ideas and I am challenged (as actually happens at every group), I consider that a bonus. The most significant thing for me is simply the time spent with people who know me well, and whom I know well, and where there is mutual concern.

5. Change. If I leave group with more knowledge, that’s nice, but what I really want and need at the end of the day is to be different for the time spent. Positive life change is my litmus test for time well spent.

What’s your list?

What's Next?

2011-02-20T17:38:00.002-05:00

I’ve been wondering about the relative value of assuming the existence of an afterlife. Really. I think it might frequently get in the way of things. For those not religiously disposed, that probably sounds like a non-statement. For those who are, (and who hold typical convictions found in my circles) that might sound a bit heretical. Let me narrow my scope to what I am familiar with: that flavor of Christianity often found in suburban America. I wonder if we wouldn’t be more inclined to make the most of our time now in this life, if we had no strong convictions about the great beyond.

Assume for a moment that this temporal life is it. I don’t think you need to dismiss faith to engage the exercise. I’m told that there’s good evidence that belief in an afterlife was only a late developing, unclear, and disputed concept for the people of Israel before Jesus. But there’s no doubt Israel was a people guided by faith in God and faithfulness to God.

Do we really need the promise of eternal bliss to find God faithful? Are we so tied to heavenly reward that we would walk away from God without it? I think not. I think if it was removed from our vocabulary as if never conceived of, there would remain a strong (God given) impulse to honor and serve him -- and to do it by honoring and serving the people around us.

To me there is something liberating about this. I can’t fully identify why, except perhaps that the idea of heaven is usually tied to its opposite. And there's an idea I honestly find hard to accept without difficulty. Yes, I know the arguments for the necessity of hell. I think I know them pretty well. And I struggle with it.

Maybe we think too little of ourselves. Maybe we think too little of God. If he is real, he deserves our faithfulness to him regardless.

Us/Them

2010-06-26T11:10:00.002-05:00

Things I have learned about myself recently:

I am much less inclined than I used to be to see others who believe differently as outsiders, or to define “my” group as those who express their beliefs in a way very similar to me. At the same time, I seem to identify strongly with people who may have belief expressions very different from my own, but have core motivations/intentions very similar to mine, such as a Christ-like adherent of another faith.

I really don’t think I value defined teacher/disciple relationships as much as I value collaborative/partnership relationships where teaching and learning are taking place. Likewise, I think the most appropriate understanding of Jesus' call to "make disciples" is to facilitate others becoming students of Jesus.

The relationships I value the most are those where enough similarity exists to facilitate understanding, but enough difference exists to both keep me challenged and where I believe I have something to contribute.

Seems to me to be a good place to be, but I wonder if some in my own faith community would be comfortable with all this. I certainly hope so, but I suspect the reaction would be mixed.

Mature?

2010-06-11T21:15:00.000-05:00

Today my sister in law referred to me as an "older man". I got quite a kick out of feigning offence, but she was on to me. I'm pretty predictable. This made me think about maturity -- mostly, how I lack it. I was running this same thought through my noggin earlier this week. It's funny that every generation seems to see itself as having "arrived". Along the lines of, "Can you believe they thought that way back then? Sure is a good thing our culture grew out of that!" This shows up in science, religion, medicine, social understanding, politics, etc. I wonder how advanced Civil War surgeons thought their techniques were in the late 1800's compared to the middle ages. We assume that we have most everything arranged properly, even though history proves consistent progress and growth. If we are part of that continuum (exclude the "imminent rapture" folks), then we certainly should admit that 100 years from now (or 20 ... or 10), folks will look back on our own outdated and backward way of understanding the world in 2010 and remark, "Can you believe they thought that way back then? Sure is a good thing our culture grew out of that!"

I know some will argue that the older ways of understanding the world were better. Perhaps there is some truth in this, but on the whole, I don't think that dialing the clock back significantly raises understanding. People made strong and (to them) compelling arguments that slavery in the US was justified. Folks with emotional or brain-chemical imbalance were committed to prisons. Suspected witches were burned.

This all makes me think that we should approach our current levels of knowledge and understanding with generous amounts of humility. It could all be outdated before we assume room temperature.

Watching over "The Truth"

2010-05-09T20:55:00.000-05:00

I recently read about two studies that contain similar observations about why we believe (or not) what we do.

The first details the typical thinking patterns of conspiracy believers. The study asserts that "... each of [the believer's] convictions about secret plots serves as evidence for other conspiracy beliefs, bypassing any need for confirming evidence." These beliefs critically depend on "selective skepticism": conspiracy believers don't trust information from the government (or other suspect sources), but interestingly, they will accept any source that supports their existing views. Conspiracy believers also frequently interact with like-minded people, suggesting that “conspiracy thinkers constitute a community of believers.”

These folks typically believe that they are uniquely able to find “the truth,” and convey it to others in the hope of impacting the larger community. They are also more likely than usual to jump to conclusions based on limited evidence. “It seems likely that conspiratorial beliefs serve a similar psychological function to superstitious, paranormal and, more controversially, religious beliefs, as they help some people to gain a sense of control over [the] unpredictable."

The second discusses the ways that we maintain false beliefs. The researchers discovered very strong support for the concept of "motivated reasoning," a now-familiar idea in which people unconsciously seek out information that confirms what they already think, instead of rationally examining evidence that confirms or disproves a particular belief. The study concludes that "... for the most part people completely ignore contrary information."

The fact is that we become significantly and emotionally attached to our beliefs: our very sense of self and ground for morality is entwined with them, and we have the ability to generate elaborate rationalizations for them, easily appealing to unjustified evidence.

I believe a relevant question for us to examine is to what extent we exclude ourselves and our own beliefs from these conclusions. It seems to me that religious beliefs could easily be inserted into this discussion -- in fact, the writers of these studies assume that relevance. Are those of us with spiritual convictions really immune to the trap of believing what compels us from fear of the larger unpredictable world? Are we willing to objectively examine what we hold true? I'm increasingly convinced that this is exactly what is required for us to move forward as a local and global community, and no small number are engaged in precisely that.

If you believe in hell ...

2010-05-02T15:52:00.000-05:00

... you should at least care that people could end up there ...

It makes me wonder if believers who do hold that hell exists aren't often rather uncaring. Selfish?

Origins

2010-04-29T19:12:00.003-05:00

Last night’s small group meeting made me realize in a fresh way the powerful influence that our background story has on our lives. For good or ill, it seems we either continually try to avoid something painful from our past, or we continually try to retain or restore something from our past that we valued. This gets pretty complex, since most of us are oblivious to the force of these influences, but any good therapist (at least those I’ve encountered) will confirm that awareness of this dynamic can bring a certain amount of power over it. The danger is when that desire is completely under the radar; we can become almost defenseless against its force, unable to resist.

For me, and due to various reasons, I know that my striving consists of seeking approval. Often to a very unhealthy degree. Many of us have this general inclination, but I will even allow the people closest to me to experience disadvantage or even hurt because I don’t want to upset the equilibrium of approval from others who aren't so close. Funny that I care more about approval from those at a distance. I suppose we tend to take more liberties with people who cannot easily detach from us.

All this makes me think that I need to be more conscious of it. I developed my own game about this recently: after a typical conversation with a friend or acquaintance, I ask myself if I would have responded and acted the same way if everyone I knew was actually present, watching the conversation. This does seem to work. It’s an uncomfortable exercise for me, but it makes things much more obvious.

What are you running from that you don’t want to experience again? What are you clinging to that you can’t stand to loose?

How a Christian view of grace can mess with relationships

2010-04-20T07:17:00.000-05:00

I am convinced that there is an insulating effect that comes from doing favors for people, especially favors for those who are "organizationally subordinate" to us. If I am in a decision-making position (at work, in my family, in the community, etc.) and I believe that deferral to someone else's preferences is a matter of "grace", it is easy for me to avoid contending with the fact that my outlook or understanding might be wrong. If I'm wrong, will I see it? Or will I be numbed to this possibility by the self-soothing fog of my own gracious favors?

There is another habit that believers can often fall into without seeing the dark side: love of neighbor. I mean more specifically, that particular Christian perspective that we are to "love" the people around us, even though we know we don't like them. You know, those who are less-than-acceptable morally, or perhaps those who are bit too loud, less responsible, or of another fashion sense. Good grief. How about we decide to like these people instead? But you object that we can't force ourselves to like someone. I reply that we can, if we step back several paces and realize that "they" are a lot more like us than the safety tape that separates us would indicate.

I suppose I just think we need to give more space to the opinions and preferences of other people, and not build elaborate barriers from our religious traditions that keep us separate and superior. We are neither.

Remembering Larry Bensky

2010-04-12T20:20:00.002-05:00

I didn't know Larry, but I know the roads he used to ride. Butler Road in North Baltimore County is a favorite for cyclists: a connector between safer and scenic roads. The problem is that the road is both narrow and straight, and motorists tend to travel too fast. Around 4:30 last Tuesday afternoon, Larry was riding west along Butler with a friend, enjoying the early spring air, safely on the shoulder, and was struck from behind along with Joel, his riding partner. Larry died at the scene. Joel continues surgery to try to re-attach his calf, among other things -- a rough road ahead.

Larry leaves behind a wife and 2 beautiful young daughters. I certainly don't know why this happened, but it didn't need to. Hundreds of cyclists in the area felt the same, and when we realized that long-pending legislation in MD that could have made a difference in Larry's situation was about to be blocked for a fifth year in a row in the MD legislature, cyclists mobilized. About 65 enthusiasts rode to from Baltimore and other areas to Annapolis to mark the day, honor our fallen comrade, and ask the MD legislature to lay down an obligation for motorists to give cyclists reasonable room when passing. Not complicated.

From what I understand, the legislation passed, and now only waits the Governor's signature. A few other bike-friendly acts have been introduced in this session. I don't know their status, but I hope the outcome is favorable.

Cyclists should respect the rules of the road, as well as motorists. We certainly do not own the road either. Motorists must offer more caution to others who rightfully share the road. Any cyclists can tell you that too many drivers are either unaware of, or unconcerned about their own driving habits. Delegate John Cardin has championed legislative efforts relevant to this, and it seems to have finally paid off. Because of Larry.

Larry's widow, Tami spoke to the group and media with sensitivity and conviction. So impressive. Our hearts went out to her, and we were all overwhelmed that she could speak as she did only a week after the horrible event. I suspect that when the "cause-energy" wanes for her, things will get much more difficult. I hope she knows there is a community of thousands who care for her and her girls. Most of us have suffered close calls, which is part of our motivation to stand with her - but honestly, we are all part of the same community, and we should all give a damn about what happens next door as well as across the globe. There are times, though, when our attention is drawn to people close at hand, and we need to respond in a loving and human way. I hope and pray that's what today boils down to: love for members of our community, and softened hearts for those even further away.

God bless you, Tami.
G

Re: A Man and His Bike

2010-04-11T08:38:00.000-05:00

To the BRCC crew -

Guys:

I'm honestly very touched by the fact that you all passed the hat for me and my cycling habit. I shopped Steamrollers (my first choice) when I originally planed on buying a fixie, and just couldn't spring for it. The bike is absolutely beautiful, and I appreciate everyone's generosity and the friendships that this group makes possible. It's really quite a unique group - I mean "unique" in a "underdog that makes it to the playoffs" sort of way, not a "special medication required" sort of way. Except for Rob. He's both.

Fyi, I did the math, and realized one can sell these rebuilt bike at a handsome profit. I hatched a plan with Eric to pull some sort of risk-and-crash stunt every few months. I'll be able to swap out donated bikes for a Dogma 60.1 Di2 in about 4 or 5 years ...

In all seriousness, I appreciate the well-wishes, and the thought and effort that went into this. You guys are the best!

Greg

Mischke on the Catholic Church Scandal

2010-04-10T20:49:00.000-05:00

Mischke on the Catholic Church Scandal: "

T. D. Mischke - Photo by Michael Crouser/The Atlantic

Tommy Mischke is a Minnesota legend and a treasure, though you’ve probably not heard of him if you’re not from here. He’s a singer-songwriter, but he’s mainly known as a long-time radio host, known for weird gags, drunk callers, and long periods of silence. Rumor has it that he may be returning to Twin Cities radio (and on a clear channel station, so that many of you around the country will be able to hear him from 10-midnight Central Time on 830 AM — plus, of course, online).

Recently, Mischke has also been penning a column for the Twin Cities alt weekly, City Pages. In this week’s installment, he writes about growing up Catholic, and how he saw even then the origins of what would become the present pedophilia scandal:

As a grade-school kid, the Jesus I was taught to embrace was unlike any adult I’d ever encountered. He was dirt poor, humble, and a bit shabby in appearance. He hung out with the poor, the sick, the outcasts, and pariahs, but he didn’t lament their company. I didn’t know a single adult like him in my parish.

The Jesus the nuns taught me to cherish did something no adult I knew could pull off with conviction: He didn’t lecture the sinners or avoid them, but embraced them with breathtaking compassion. He seemed to genuinely treasure them, without judgment. As a child it was the most startling thing I’d ever encountered.

Too bad they had to temper it by shifting my attention to Rome.

To this day I remain stunned the church doesn’t see what even a young boy could see the first time he was given the chance. A church that holds up a poor carpenter’s kid as its ideal presents a leader who, symbolically anyway, seems to emulate the Roman emperors instead.

Doesn’t the church find it incongruent that the world of the Vatican is so royal and opulent? Everything about it drips with abundance and authority. Where’d that broke Jewish guy go?

via Origins of a Scandal – Page 1 – News – Minneapolis – City Pages.

Social Justice and Jogging

2010-04-10T11:22:00.000-05:00

I was out for a run with a few of the local guys this morning and got into a conversation about Christianity, biblical literalism, and social justice. Really made me think, even though I didn't have much to disagree with. Two ideas from that conversation keep rattling around in my head:

Religion at its best (in my opinion) will enable us to understand -not simply tolerate- people and views that are different from our own. Religion that we encounter in affluent white suburbia usually does the exact opposite. As adherents of the latter, we subtly snub different people with divergent views. The more people people look, think, and act differently from us, the less they are welcome. This is usually carried out indirectly, not in an obvious way. Was this the way Jesus carried on? Didn't he mainly befriend social outcasts and the rejected?

The other thought that grabbed me is similar: the popularity of Glen Beck and anti-immigration sentiment, more specifically: (again) fear of those who are different from us. Perhaps some react negatively to the changes in American culture because they accurately observe that the way things have always been is disappearing. The thick lines that separated "us" from "them" are fading rapidly. How many more generations until the question of race/ethnicity on the federal census becomes laughably obsolete? That will be a good thing: perhaps then we will find it easier to identify and empathize with the "other".

Confession of a Doubter

2010-03-31T17:50:00.001-05:00

Do you believe God directly intervenes in the world today? Do you see evidence of this yourself? Do you receive subtle signs; sometimes "hear" inaudible voices; or experience unexplained "coincidences" that confirm his activity, presence, intentions?

I am engaged in an ongoing conversation with one of my closest friends on this subject, and we often seem to miss each other. He feels that God does sometimes directly speak in the daily lives of those who are open to hear or see it. I'm more persuaded that most of the things religious folk interpret as the "hand of God" carry quite natural explanations. I have thought that one source of this may be the power of human intuition, fueled by our remarkably rapid subconscious observations that stick in memory even though we can't bring them to conscious thought. The human mind really is a remarkable interpreter: for example, it can build a full picture of a visual scene even when some of the information is not available to our senses. Another interesting phenomenon is our tendency (for good or ill) to interpret activity around us in a way that confirms what we already believe. If you frequent Christian circles, you know that we are often encouraged to eagerly seek these signs. The assumption is that they occur all the time, and the only thing keeping us from recognizing them is our own self-absorption or obstinacy. This honestly makes me feel a bit like a second-class believer, akin to the Pentecostal who never acquires the gift of tongues.

I think one of the stumbling blocks here may be that my view seems to pave the way for outright denial of the existence of God. In truth, I don't feel certain that God exists. I often deal with doubts on this subject, but I also see that we live in an amazing world where things like sunrise and childbirth happen every day. Events sometimes coincide that lead to breathtaking examples of human spirit and generosity.

In spite of my own doubts about God and my suspicions that we often read too much into events, beauty and goodness understood as natural results of the way the world is set up are not ideas that lead me to reject God's existence. In fact, it seems all the more remarkable to me that these things could happen that appear to communicate directly, even if one could conclude that the messages have been on route since the beginning of time. That kind of communication takes some planning, to say the least.

My state of mind may be explainable. I am fully convinced that our view of creator-God (whether he/she exists, and what he/she is like) is influenced most powerfully by our relationship with our natural father. If Dad was loving and engaged, we are able to believe this is true of God. A violent and abusive father passes this image to his progeny. A father who is distant and disinterested, as I perceived my own for some of my formative years, tends to determine the lens accordingly. Think about this for your own situation. My money says you can see similar trends. Paired with that are past encounters with well intended believers who seemed overly enthusiastic to find God's special communication in otherwise mundane events. The Virgin's face in a slice of toast, etc.

It's easy for me to understand the fact that my beliefs are formed by my past and especially parental influence, but that doesn't seem to weaken the fact that I still see God as distant and disinterested. Knowing what alters my perceptions does not seem to give me the ability to adjust the lens. At this point I feel a bit helpless to do more than acknowledge that.

Still, I end up asking the question: What if there is no God? Am I still able to value others and treat them with dignity -- as Jesus would? Would it still make sense to live selflessly: placing the needs of others before my own? I think this is an important question for those who consider ourselves believers. Doubt can open up thought-opportunities that otherwise remain invisible. There are things everyone believes that are not healthy, and there is no other way to dislodge them than to allow for the possibility that we are wrong.

To Change, Stop Trying

2010-03-27T20:39:00.000-05:00

Don Miller mentioned in his recent blog "How to Change a Negative Character Trait" an idea he found years ago in a book about personality types that can seem counter-intuitive for many of us, at least upon first read.

"people don’t change by beating themselves up or condemning themselves. The key, rather, is to simply acknowledge what we are doing and and why, then move on without self judgement. [we should] not even attempt to change."

I am referencing his post for two reasons:

1. I am Catholic, and know a thing or two about guilt and it's influence and power.

2. From personal experience, I believe that idea is dead-on.

We don't change our own negative behavior by berating ourselves or applying efforts to stop. Other religious themes seem to verify this idea. A characteristic idea of Christian thought is the power of "original sin"; we acknowledge that of our own motives and without God's grace, we are irreversibly inclined toward selfishness and evil. The way out is not our own effort, but another who remakes us. Another similar expression of this is from 12-step groups: Step one (one can assume the "foundation" for change) is always acknowledgement of helplessness over the addictive behavior. In fact, 12-step programs seem to communicate this principle more concisely and clearly than many Christian expressions do.

Miller goes on:

"In my own life, this comes in moments when I find myself angry or selfish and I simply say to myself 'Hey, you’re doing that thing where you get jealous.' In other times, I will feel like people don’t like me, I won’t want to go to a party or something and I’ll say to myself 'Hey, you’re doing that thing where you identify as a marginalized person because it makes you feel special.' The trick is to make these simple, objective statements without condemnation or judgment. Awareness is everything. And slowly, these character faults within us begin to change."

I strongly identify with all this. I see the most progress in my own battles with fear of rejection, anger, manipulation, and pretense (that's the short list), when I back off from the white-knuckle grasping and self-judgement, and simply acknowledged the truth. That may be the power of all this: desperate efforts to change and frustrated forehead-slapping incline me to resist the truth about myself. An almost detached and non-judgmental approach enables me to evaluate what's going on with honesty. And honesty about the darkness of our own motives is both rare and frightening. It doesn't just wander in. We need to invite it carefully and thoughtfully.

Truth vs. Labels

2010-03-26T16:39:00.000-05:00

You must choose (in this exercise) to be either one of the following:

1. An acknowledged Christian. Everyone knows this is what you proclaim. This is also not the reality. In your inmost places, your true motives, and the actions that result from them, you seek as much distance from this man Jesus and his way as possible.

2. An acknowledged "heathen". Everyone knows this is what you proclaim. You have heard the stories, but something has kept you from embracing that label. However, In your inmost places, your true motives, and the actions that result from them, you are an authentic follower of the way of Jesus -- you just never have attached his name to it. Perhaps you never understood what the label was really supposed to represent. Perhaps those that bore the label seemed more the opposite. Either way, you act like Jesus would act if he were in your situation, you just don't act much like a Christian - at least not the Christians you know.

Would you hesistate even a moment going with door number two? Probably not. Regardless of your current religious inclinations as you read this, the man Jesus carries quite a remarkable reputation.

I'd like to suggest that we give people more credit for the loving and selfless things they do, and that we intentionally become blind to religious labels when attempting to understand who has something to teach us and what they have to teach. There is a lot to learn.

The Man Must Die

2010-03-18T18:48:00.000-05:00

Many Christians acknowledge that if Jesus saved his most severe criticism for the religious leadership of his own tradition, he would offer a similar (if not identical) attitude toward contemporary Christian leadership. His words would likely be far more prophetic than comforting. Assuming that's a fair prediction, what does that mean for the typical believer today? How is that relevant for leaders and those with authority?

I don't know. But I'll make a few educated guesses anyway. Be scandalized if you wish.

Were Jesus living with us today, he:

1. Would not at all be impressed by many of our religious observances. In fact, he'd probably have plenty of criticism for it. Hope you got thick skin.

2. Would be hated by anyone who was significantly tied to the current religious establishment. Eventually there would be calls to silence or discredit him. That assumes we have moved beyond execution as a valid method to get rid of those who threaten our beloved way of life.

3. Would probably have lots of friends. Almost all of them would be non-religious. Those who are religious would just as likely be Muslim, Buddhist, or animist as anything else.

4. Would be more likely found in a bar or skate shop than a church.

5. Would like average (more likely, "below average") messed-up people. He wouldn't just love them because it's "the right thing to do". He would really like them. We're talking about hookers and drug dealers, shady used car salesmen, accident attorneys, porn dealers, street folk ...

6. Would have the same preference for the poor (financially poor and otherwise) that characterized him in the Gospels.

I found that making this list was a good mental exercise for me. It forced me to see things with new and honest eyes. This makes me consider that our religious practices and beliefs are much like fire. They are a fundamentally good (necessary) thing, but they can easily be just as destructive as positive. Do we really understand this? We should. We need to.

And we need to see those outside our own safe circles as the best people to be with and live among. Not because they need us - because we need them. He was a friend to the broken. Who is that among us?

Ireland's Poet

2010-03-13T12:19:00.000-05:00

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths,
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet;
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats

A Post about Posting

2010-03-13T11:28:00.000-05:00

Realized lately that many people have strong negative feelings about social networking. It has only occurred to me in observing this that I am not one of those people. I have re-started this poor excuse for a blog, tweet most days, and fiddle with facebook on weekends. I am apparently comfortable sharing personal information via all three. I think I am trying (without really thinking about it) to force myself into living and thinking with consistency. I don't want to be a different person depending on where I am or who I'm with. I don't mean that people who avoid social networking are inconsistent, I am just realizing my own tendency to pretend, and this is one way to do something about it.

Tweets

2010-03-10T20:17:00.001-05:00

Not original ideas, but I'd like to believe these are original ways of expressing (perhaps) old ideas. The following is my history of "original" tweets from the past year since I joined Twitter. This is an attempt to encourage new Twitter contributors.

Aversion to reason is a most efficient atheism.

5:05 PM Mar 3rd via web

We are healed by forgiving; then our wound can be converted into strength.

8:07 AM Feb 25th via web

Granting forgiveness seems like giving our aggressor power over us, but the opposite is true. Withholding makes us slaves to bitterness.

8:06 AM Feb 25th via web

Churches are united by common beliefs, and also usually by fear of and resistance to other perspectives. Can this be healthy?

3:38 PM Feb 14th via TinyTwitter

Understanding of things that matter (meaning, people, love, value, morality, god) all involve uncertainty.

3:06 PM Jan 31st via TinyTwitter

We can't examine a person objectively to understand who they are.

3:01 PM Jan 31st via TinyTwitter

Truth: People are inherently good, sometimes in spite of, rather than because of, their religious beliefs.

6:38 PM Jan 20th via web

Religion grows up when it moves from preparing us to enter the next life, to enabling us to live each moment fully, now.

1:53 PM Nov 27th, 2009 via web

Ideas that immediately make sense don't usually make a significant difference.

10:57 AM Oct 31st, 2009 via web

Ironic: the only creatures able to truly self-reflect need to escape the same to live fully.

6:27 PM Oct 12th, 2009 via web

Faith and doubt are partners, not enemies. Faith is belief and unbelief together held in tension.

1:00 PM Oct 6th, 2009 via web

Most arguments of religious people boil down to a conclusion that the other is the real problem in the world, people who just don't get it.

9:10 AM Oct 3rd, 2009 via web

Better an honest doubt than a certain belief unexamined.

3:32 PM Oct 2nd, 2009 via web

If you're not ready to admit your doubt, I'm not interested in hearing about your faith.

5:44 AM Aug 25th, 2009 via web

I am attracted by people who seek the truth. I am frightened by those who claim to have it.

6:31 PM Aug 19th, 2009 via web

Religion is not the acceptance of certain propositions. It is openness to life change.

2:27 PM Aug 16th, 2009 via web

Not getting what I want is often good for me. The trick is not giving up on what I want altogether.

8:50 AM Aug 13th, 2009 via web

religion like medicine: well intended, can be lifesaving, but often abused, deals with symptoms vs problems & carries dangerous side effects.

2:41 PM Jul 11th, 2009 via web

It is a fearful thing to be alone with your thoughts, undistracted.

9:24 PM Jun 12th, 2009 via txt

Authentic leadership assumes willing followers. Coersion and intimidation exclude this possibility.

12:09 PM Jun 10th, 2009 via txt

We each interpret the world in a way that confirms what we already believe. It takes great courage to do otherwise.

3:37 PM Jun 6th, 2009 via txt

Religion, as a method of being good, is a deadly anesthetic.

8:14 AM May 30th, 2009 via txt

Every man is desperate to know he has what it takes. Every man suspects that he does not. We usually deny one or the other.

6:28 AM May 27th, 2009 via txt

The best way to reach a goal is not to aim directly at it, but at a greater goal beyond it.

12:47 PM May 18th, 2009 via web

The only unforgiveable sin is refusal to accept forgiveness.

8:17 AM May 14th, 2009 via txt

No one really seeks evil. We just get twisted up seeking good things in the wrong way, often as if good things are the best thing.

7:17 AM May 12th, 2009 via txt

Our self-reassurance that we are in control does nothing except numb us to amazing and unknown.

12:20 PM May 8th, 2009 via txt

Our addictions are not the problem. They are a symptom.

5:09 AM May 6th, 2009 via txt

The trap: Not that I want too much; I settle for too little.

7:17 AM Apr 29th, 2009 via web

Believing real life only begins after death keeps us selfish and irrelevant. Knowing real life is here&now helps us love people.

4:03 PM Apr 27th, 2009 via web

I have a strong faith in God, but sometimes doubt his existence. What does that mean?

7:51 AM Apr 24th, 2009 via web

Don't tell me what you believe. Show me. That's what you really believe anyway.

1:08 PM Apr 22nd, 2009 via web

If your religion causes you to sin, gouge it out.

9:50 PM Apr 21st, 2009 via txt

The interaction that disagreement requires is usually more important than the solution.

4:14 PM Apr 20th, 2009 via web

Leaping is more courageous than having no fear of the drop.

9:57 PM Apr 18th, 2009 via txt

Those that need Jesus’ teaching the most are usually those who already claim to be his followers.

7:04 AM Apr 17th, 2009 via web

Faith and doubt are not opposites.

9:09 PM Apr 15th, 2009 via txt

It's selfish to deprive someone else the opportunity to love you. Let your guard down.

9:48 AM Apr 15th, 2009 via txt

Pain and Reality

2010-03-10T17:15:00.001-05:00

Sharon and I saw Shutter Island this weekend.

*SPOILER ALERT*
Read no further if you have plans to see this film.

The film's hero is called upon to investigate a missing prisoner situation in a high security hospital for the criminally insane. As the story advances we learn that he has experienced traumas similar to many of the institution's "patients", and his memories of these traumas seem to mingle with the histories of the residents. It turns out that he has in fact been deluding himself; telling himself an enormous lie. He is himself an inmate of the hospital/prison, but the memory of his crimes and the circumstances that lead to them were so intensley painful that he developed an elaborate fantasy to block them out.

This all struck me as a moderately exaggerated version of what many of us do frequently. We fear that we can't deal with the pain of loss, disappointment, abuse, regret -- so we pretend its not there, all to our own harm. The deadly disease is there, whether we acknowledge it or not, but the shocking reality is that we can handle the truth. Sadly, we are often more comfortable with fantasy than the risk of finding out that this is true and dealing with the change that loss demands.

Ok With That

2010-03-07T11:06:00.001-05:00

Reviewing my old blog posts from 5-7 years ago, I can see that my departure from a grasping after certainty has been a long time coming. Perhaps this is nothing more unusual than a certain degree of maturity. At least, that's what I'd like to think. We can't control our lives as we like to imagine. Things come at us that we can't predict. The unknown is scary. At some point we all need to accept this, or we layer barriers of protection around ourselves that cut us off from living fully and really loving people.

I am apparently only now learning to accept all this, although in only a limited way -- as my continued struggles with anger and escapism evidence. I intend to keep working toward simple acceptance and enjoyment of life as much as possible, including getting rid of the things that limit that for other people.

March 30th at 9:58 AM ...

2006-04-21T08:03:00.000-05:00

We've been busy reproducing again. My neighbor says to keep at it ... eventually we'll get it right. Made me laugh out loud, even though she was only half kidding.

Meet "Q". Quinn. Quinton Zachary. "Quinton" means "fifth child", and even though he's #6, the name for sixth (Sextus) was just too over-the-top ...

The Visionary

2006-01-16T16:22:00.000-05:00

In a real sense, all life is interrelated. All men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.

Martin Luther King, Jr.
The Man Who Was a Fool, Strength to Love
Atlanta, GA
February 3, 1963

Why?

2006-01-11T20:55:00.000-05:00

That's it. Awaiting your comments.

What Do You Believe Is True Even Though You Cannot Prove It?

2005-12-28T21:08:00.000-05:00

Great minds ponder a great question.

Warning: Hold tightly to your ears to keep your head from spinning.

The Evidence Will Show

2005-12-22T20:13:00.000-05:00

Whilst (that’s a word -- look it up) painting dining room walls with a good friend a couple weeks ago, we were discussing “paranormal” phenomenon. He related a few recent personal stories of unexplainable happenings. For example, things he knew would happen before they did, and that knowledge somehow assisted in the development of the related events.

I recalled my experience weeks prior to 9/11/01 – not that my knowledge assisted anyone, but I have reluctantly seen this type of thing first hand. Jeanne related a story about the disappearing door. Was it really missing the first time around?

I think 99% of the time there is a rational explanation for these types of things. We are intuitively in touch with connections in our surroundings. Our minds perceive far more than we are aware of. For the sake of survival and sanity, we filter out most of what goes on around us and zero-in on what we believe relevant. This partly explains why people in crisis often describe things going in slow motion: surroundings and perceptions suddenly become more “present”. We never really forget anything. We just conserve our mental (and emotional) energy by spending it in places we believe will provide the greatest safety.

On the flip of that coin, we probably don’t pay attention to a huge amount of this sort of thing. There are times when there is absolutely no rational explanation. Something super-natural has happened. I’m one of those that believe the universe is far bigger than our instruments can measure, and I’m not referring to the literal size of the cosmos. Science itself points beyond science. I think most probably acknowledge this. After all, to believe that daily life-as-we-understand-it is all there is – that’s quite a leap of faith.

What I think is most interesting is that there seems to be just enough evidence. Just enough to either deny or believe. If you want to toss this stuff aside, it’s not so hard to do. If you look for the unexplainable (or in my case, the activity of the Creator), there’s plenty to be found.

I think it’s a shame: there are plenty of examples where we too quickly give in to either side. We don’t like to be caught with our categories down. The rationalist makes just as silly a mistake as the paranormal-addict. “There is a God! Look! I have him here in this box!” Rubbish. If there is a God, he’s far larger than our metrics in columns and rows. And he is.

Broken

2005-12-22T13:35:00.000-05:00

Been home with the flu since mid-day yesterday. Ack. I’d forgotten how much fun it can be. Everyone in the house save my 74-year old mother-in-law, and 4-year-old daughter got socked in the gut. Little CindyLou Who wanted to climb in bed with us, but she just got, “We don’t want you to get sick, Avery.” Her answer: “Ok. I won’t.” She didn’t … at least not yet.

The place has finally settled a bit. The Christmas tree is mostly upright, walls are painted, mother-in-law has moved in. I could live without the flu, but there are worse things.

We recently acquired a photo of my father-in-law:

Don left the family when my wife was 5, and shot himself in despair after the “affair with the secretary” proved (I assume) less than fulfilling about 10 years later. What a horrible tragedy … that has lead to other tragedies. I do wish I could have a conversation with him. There’s too much that doesn’t fit. He was apparently often great as a dad, even if he had a hot temper. He’d take the family on daytrips and vacations, they decided to adopt a child together, he loved taking the family out to eat, they sang songs in the car, and got generally silly. Something of an artist, he went right up the ladder at Westinghouse. Somewhere along the line, something went wrong. I suspect it was small and slow at first, each step building on another. I may never know exactly.

Things like that seep back into my thoughts around the holidays. Life is not as it should be. The world is askew. It wouldn’t be so bad for the world to be askew, if I (we) didn’t have this sometimes-overbearing desire for things to be “right” – there is a “way things should be”, and we all know it. I suppose that’s why we get angry and frustrated when we see things go wrong, even if it doesn’t have a direct impact on us.

All this makes me think I need to keep myself in check, and figure out how to see the world as good, even though it is clearly broken in half -- kind of like a family that the father has abandoned. I need to remember that my imperfect sense of “should” probably exists because the target is real. I will give up pretending everything is ok. I will give up abandoning the world as completely lost and ruined. I need to do the difficult work of redeeming the broken-ness of the word, because the world -- that is, other people -- matter, and they are valuable. And my own brokenness is fixed as I go.

I think this is why it is a good thing to be alive.

Merry Christmas

La Fille du Fromage

2005-11-14T22:53:00.000-05:00

Our littlest has earned a reputation as the "Cheese Girl" among her siblings for her penchant for cheddar. I found myself referring to her fondly by another blogger’s title. Cute, eh?

Mr Superior

2005-11-12T18:10:00.000-05:00

Today I have effectively mocked Pat Robertson, Irish, Swedes and drunks. Some of my favorite people!

Still Looking For Those Marbles

2005-11-12T11:31:00.000-05:00

Pat Robertson is ready to call down fire on your town should you vote incorrectly. Beware!

Yoga

2005-11-12T10:46:00.000-05:00

Indian vs. Irish. Can you see the subtle difference?

A man walks into a bar

2005-11-12T10:42:00.000-05:00

... with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

Sweden's Other White Meat

2005-11-12T09:00:00.000-05:00

More True

2005-11-11T18:10:00.000-05:00

Today at work I had to tell an older gentleman that he was “probably not a good fit”. He’s perhaps 65, has done very high-level computer work in the past, including network admin. The things I am asking him to do are below his (former) level of functioning, but it seems painfully obvious that he’s just not able to catch on after a couple weeks on the job.

It feels like I’m firing my father. Like my dad, he’s forgetful and scattered -- not quite present when you talk to him. Giving signals that he’s not quite telling himself the truth.

This made me wonder if I’m not simply moving in that direction unaware as time marches on. Am I really all that different? I imagine that it’s just some generational thing (“They were all like that back when.”) … What will my kids say about me?

I was lamenting all this with a peer afterward, and began (as I do) to make broad statements about why things are as they are ... you may recall that I am a good former-fundamentalist. I said that I thought emotional health boils down to telling ourselves the truth, and dealing with that truth reasonably. My apologies for recycling post material.

Why don’t we? What are we afraid of?

(enter bearded therapist with notepad)

I often fear loss of control. I want to do things my way, because I do not trust. I fear what I don’t know. Death. Loss. Loneliness. Rejection. Insignificance. Hemorrhoids. Damn, my list could get long quick.

I see why the only way out is to forget about my miniature problems as frequently as possible, and give myself away to help somebody else. There is no fear of death when you have already died.

instant

2005-10-29T11:38:00.000-05:00

I am now displaying mid-life crisis symptoms. I have discovered IM. That’s the thing teenagers do since they cannot speak without mumbling. I need to learn all the relevant terms. Apparently the IM world speaks in acronym. Find your favorites here.

RTFM
TAFN

True

2005-10-28T21:34:00.000-05:00

"Truth is our friend."

I have chosen to reveal to my spouse a secret that was painful for her to hear. I am tired of this seemingly small issue having some sort of control over my life. Anything we keep hidden controls us. I believe this now.

So that sucked. Not exactly well received. She thought everything was just fine in our world, but she was mistaken. My revelation frees me, but it burdens her.

I am fortunate enough to have friends that can bear this truth, and not be burdened overmuch with feelings of betrayal. They hear, and it is what it is. Our friendship is unshaken.

My wife, bless her, does not have the luxury of separation. She has bound herself to me, and so, to my mistakes. This is hard.

I see that life itself is a choice of honesty or no. We have many subtle ways of keeping hidden. I don’t want to be hurt. I protect myself. You don’t really see me, since what I am for you is often only a shell that keeps me safe. The real me is carefully guarded.

Perhaps this sounds trite. I don’t really care about that. Are you really yourself with those you care about? Freedom is found in being able to be genuine in all circumstances. This includes your problems and pains. That means that people will have information about you that can hurt you. And they will. Are you willing?

Almost a Post

2005-10-26T21:13:00.000-05:00

I promise to write soon. Aaarghh! I'm jus a lazy som-ov-beetch.

As you were!

Brendar Located

2005-08-16T18:20:00.000-05:00

Nothing to read? Why not read nothing? Our crack team of blogosphere investigators has located the new website of our beloved negative and sarcastic friend Brendar:

http://illustriousbrendar.blogspot.com/

Further harassment is in order.

Lost

2005-08-13T16:09:00.000-05:00

I discovered this summer that flip-flops are one of humanity’s greatest inventions. Slip them on and stuffy, formal worries about retirement plans, paying for college, and money-market accounts fade to vapor.

What the hell have I got to worry about? My bride and I are “thinking” about further procreation. I am not the great Catholic “let’s have 25 kids and piss of the population-control types” … but I really think there is no bad in having kids. We are fortunate to be fertile, have reasonable means, and are both (relatively) emotionally stable. The “war on terror” has not yet arrived in the metro area. The idea is this: struggle and “difficulty” are what helps us to really live. Along with cute sayings and their adorable looks when they are little, kids bring that in spades.

A friend of mine describes someone he knows well as being lonely and lost. He apparently inherited more than he needs to avoid work. Sounds great, eh? He dabbles in this and that, and spends lots of time shopping for big-screen TVs, Harleys, and houses. I am confident that he is a good man, better than me, but his situation seems to leave him somewhat adrift. “He has no real responsibilities,” my friend observes. Nothing to keep him in the game. He can’t seem to find a girlfriend worthy of his time. The American Dream of independent wealth seems to have left him a slave to his own whims. Isolated and aimless.

The opposite side -- so we think -- is slavery to mundane responsibilities. I need to get to work, put up with my boss, deal with idiots, suffer abuse, come home to an exhausted spouse, fighting and complaints, pay bills late, miss out on this and that due to a lack of funds and/or pressing responsibilities, and basically not get the things I think I want.

There are a few hundred country songs out there that convey a truly sappy message about how the writer finds joy in his or her relationships in the midst of problems and difficulties (broken fridge, not enough money, etc.). I am sometimes irked by the over-simplification you find in many country songs, but this particular sentiment is dead-on. The counter-intuitive reality is that the things we are constantly looking for – that we believe will fulfill us, are sometimes the very trap that isolates us. It is struggle, process, “not-yet arriving” that draws us to each other, and to meaningful relationships.

The funny thing is, we are already and always unavoidably in the middle of this, whether we like it or not. I wonder if we wouldn’t be better off to just relax and appreciate things a bit more. A beer with friends, yakking about our troubles is not wasted time. It is life itself.

2005-08-11T21:55:00.000-05:00

Apologies to anyone who occasionally checks this spot for verbiage. I have been present, but occupied. Many childrens, many chores, house a wreck (making more house), work has been the same.

I have managed to keep up with my second favorite sport (after sex): cycling. But the blog thing has suffered. I have not yet officially graduated to the elite group on the Wednesday night ride, but a few weeks ago I put the hurt on all of them. Way to go old man. Heh.

I’m greatly anticipating the annual pilgrimage to the mountains and the Sacred Pond. Smoke and flame. Floats and beer. Food and talk. 3 miles of pain. A 97% lager & protein diet for 4 days. There is nothing better, I think. Heaven will be exactly like this. I am dying to find out WTF has been going on with my fellow sarcastic Martians. Some of these I only see monthly for 3 hours or so, and that doesn’t do the trick. 4 weeks and counting.

nuttin to say

2005-06-28T07:06:00.000-05:00

Months go by ... nuttin to say. I either suddenly have a life, or have blogger's cramp (or writer's constipation, etc.). The former is highly unlikely, since I'm sure I would probably be one to know if I got a life ... or maybe my psyche is typing all this remotely?

But then ...

2005-06-05T21:20:00.000-05:00

What to do with this Jesus? I can rant and complain all day long (I often do) -- but in the end, I have to deal with him. I am not able to rest with the "really great guy" perspective on a person who apparently claimed to be the creator, and brought people back from the dead. This always seems to turn everything upside-down.

Timber!

2005-05-22T20:56:00.000-05:00

He told his next story to some who were complacently pleased with themselves over their moral performance and looked down their noses at the common people: “Two men went up to the Temple to pray, one a Pharisee, the other a tax man. The Pharisee posed and prayed like this: ‘Oh, God, I thank you that I am not like other people--robbers, crooks, adulterers, or, heaven forbid, like this tax man. I fast twice a week and tithe on all my income.’ Meanwhile the tax man, slumped in the shadows, his face in his hands, not daring to look up, said, ‘God, give mercy. Forgive me, a sinner.’ Jesus commented, “This tax man, not the other, went home made right with God. If you walk around with your nose in the air, you're going to end up flat on your face, but if you're content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself."
Luke 18:10-14 The Message

Sometimes I think that the folks that need Jesus’ teaching the most are people like me who already claim to be his followers. Ironic? Or have I misunderstood how God’s providence works?

Much of my thoughts lately have concerned how small our (collective) vision of God often is. Thankfully, there are some through history who seem to see things more clearly than us bottom dwellers. I suspect they often just don’t make sense to the rest of us, and their life is only understood after they die – and then only in part.

To continue a theme, I think this leads me to believe that both people inside & outside any given spiritual tradition are just as likely to be “right with God”, assuming they are practicing self-honesty. I just don’t think paradise is guarded by a demand for accurate recitation of a creed. Apologies if I am just repeating myself. I do think this matters.

I don’t think this negates the objective value of true religion or creed as a tutor. And if such a thing as truth exists (and it does), it is likely that some religions are truer than others. Religious practice and belief is to some degree a mirror of the reality it seeks to represent. We can use any good thing toward selfish & destructive end. That is the very definition of sin. Some have decided, either consciously or intuitively, to disregard religion -- or any expression of formalized spirituality -- as a reaction against the negatives that can come with it. Or more practically, because religious folks are regularly twits (see the prior post). That is a classic “baby with the bathwater” shame. Religion doesn’t kill people. People kill people -- no offense to gun-control advocates.

This small-vision thing is so dominant that I’m sure we usually don’t realize it. Western Christians, who to their credit occasionally acknowledge the problem, are a good case in point. We tend to lock in a view, and then patronize those with diverging viewpoints as “lost” or “blinded”, before we understand what the other person really thinks. I know it’s a two way street, but we generate a lot of fine material for satire.

I have this hunch that God will shortly take those of us who look down our snouts at the "heathen", and somehow knock us on our figuratively-lily-white asses. Unless we decide to swallow a healthy dose of humility ourselves. We’ll see.

Effective Life

2005-05-01T15:08:00.000-05:00

I must admit that as a group, Christians are often unpleasant to be around. I don’t mean always, or all Christians, but far too much. Many of us are wrapped in our own superior self-righteousness. We are frequently emotionally unbalanced, and our external behavior can easily be a socially-acceptable cover for selfishness.

Notice also, that many people of ambiguous faith, or those without any strong conviction about their own beliefs (let alone the good people of other faiths), can often be not only kind, but also genuinely loving and unselfish.

What of this?

Although for some reason, this does not seem to challenge my own belief about what is true, or who is God, I am gradually persuaded that a truly “effective” life (in the most significant sense) is not necessarily bound to a particular creed. That’s a hard opinion to maintain for someone like myself who not only holds a creed, but my particular selection is rather elaborate and by nature exclusive. But, go figure. That’s what I think.

Papa Ratzi

2005-04-30T06:37:00.000-05:00

Ok -- sorry for the lack of new material. No extended pining for the former pope, I've just been busy.

So, the “German Shepherd” is quite the deal. At 78, he won't be around long, but he's obviously interested in doing more that filling a gap. The theological conservatives have spoken, and I’m glad. The RCC remains what it is by its faithfulness to its past. I’m hopeful he’ll continue to build bridges to Orthodox and Protestant Christians, as well as people of other faiths. He seems to be able to adapt and re-align his approach for the new job description.

From this past Wednesday:

I wish to put my ministry at the service of reconciliation and harmony among men and nations ... to hold firm the centrality of Christ.

From Catholic Culture :

"Cardinal Ratzinger served the CDF only at the request of Pope John Paul II and, by all reports, he didn’t particularly like the job ... he was called upon to discipline only rarely, under instructions from the Pope he served ... while head of the CDF, Benedict XVI had his finger on the pulse of many more problems and controversies than those resulting in public discipline. He is certainly well aware of the length and breadth of infidelity within the Church at every level, and his many statements ... make it clear that he theologically opposes all that is unfaithful to the authentic teaching of Christ ... Nor could he have long survived in his previous position without being a man of considerable courage."

John Paul II

2005-04-02T08:32:00.000-05:00

Karol Wojtyla
1920-2005

Well Done Good and Faithful Servant

peacemaker

"It is necessary to awaken again in believers a full relationship with Christ, mankind's only saviour. Only from a personal relationship with Jesus can an effective evangelisation develop."

"The question confronting the Church today is not any longer whether the man in the street can grasp a religious message, but how to employ the communications media so as to let him have the full impact of the Gospel message."

"Anything done for another is done for oneself."

"I hope to have communion with the people, that is the most important thing."

Risen!

2005-03-27T21:53:00.000-05:00

Confession

2005-03-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

It was about 4PM. As I leaned against the corner of a brick building downtown waiting for the next light rail train, I could see three rough looking young guys walking my direction, passing me on the right. The last one to pass -- a little shorter than me, but very burley -- had a troubling look on his face as if he were up to something. Just after he walked by I heard a “thump”, a squeaky laugh, and some struggle. The burley one had decided to pin an elderly oriental gentleman who was walking in the other direction against the wall, and he was using some force – apparently to impress his friends or something. The old man was obviously in pain.

Absolutely no one paid attention. People (dozens of them) just kept walking by as if nothing were happening. I was stunned. I needed to do something, but I felt frozen. Right before I worked up the nerve to confront him, he walked off, dropping the old man to his knees, “Stupid Chink!”

I helped the old guy up, and he hobbled off back where he had come from. Clearly he had been injured.

I felt ashamed that I had not responded quickly enough.

A few minutes later a younger man, I assume a grandson or relative, came running down toward where all this had happened. He was obviously very upset. I offered that I had seen what happened, and he said that the old guy was pretty badly hurt and an ambulance was on the way. I told him I could identify the burley guy, but as I related more of the story his appreciation turned to disgust, as it became apparent that I had the opportunity to act, but did nothing. This could have just been my impression, but it seemed that way to me at the time.

I realized that this is such a clear picture of so many things I deal with. It’s not so much that I do evil things, but that I fail to do the right thing – out of cowardice or laziness. This is quite a wake up.

I have a good friend that believes the greatest struggle most men deal with is what he calls “the sin of Adam” – failure to take responsibility, failure to act in promotion or defense of those we are responsible for, including our neighbor. It takes many forms. He is right.

Absolutely

2005-03-20T15:50:00.000-05:00

All absolutes are false. Except for that one.
All truth is relative. Except for that one.
I am a small-minded dolt. That one just stands on it’s own.

My wife knows I get annoyed when she takes a swig of my beer from the bottle, and leaves it brimming with foam. I don’t know why she does this, but it seems to give her some satisfaction that such a meaningless thing can perturb me. At the same time (no kidding), I interpret this as an oblique form of communication of her love for me. She knows me, and we have this little ritual, our ritual. My annoyance is irrelevant compared to her subtle silent communication: “I know you, and you belong to me as much as I to you.”

Makes me all hot-n-bothered just thinking about it.

Seen Dad?

2005-03-12T08:34:00.000-05:00

You just can't make this stuff up. We are a lonely species.

Who Do You Love?

2005-03-05T15:55:00.000-05:00

Please fasten your seatbelt, and place your seat in the upright position.

Same-sex marriage appears to be a topic high on a lot of people’s lists. The curious thing is that folks on both sides are incredulous that the other side could have reasoned arguments. Somehow I feel that this issue is central to deeper questions of meaning ... not really sure why.

The obvious irritation for me –- even assuming homosexuality has a sinful character -- is that many religious folk handle this with special zeal. I’ve yapped about that in previous posts. Top executives rob blue-collar workers of their health and retirement, our government finds creative ways to discriminately support genocide, but that’s small potatoes compared to sodomy. I truly think the comparison to racial prejudice is apt.

I have heard people contend that legalization of same-sex marriage implies an endorsement of homosexuality. Of course it does, but that begs the question. At issue is the belief that homosexual unions are wrong. I am personally unable to conclude that certain sexual drives are wrong. They are innate, or at least they can show up without consent. If even the temptation of a man for another man’s wife is not wrong in itself, it hardly seems valid to rearrange this thinking in the context of gender preference. Assuming these drives are at least sometimes innate, why is the natural fulfillment of them considered by some to be wrong?

One interesting idea is “natural function”. Homosexual acts employ the body’s reproductive system in a way that is impossible to fulfill its (arguably) primary function: childbearing. This is simple fact. Homosexuality occurs in the animal kingdom, but the same idea applies there. This doesn’t just refer to the frustration of internal squishy blobs and tubes, but the perpetuation or extinction of species. In spite of this, it seems like a weak argument to say, “If all sexual acts were homosexual, the species would die out.” Duh. If every player were a pitcher, the team would always loose every game. In other areas of life, we don’t justify different expressions using this test. Some heterosexual couples are aware prior to marriage that they are unable to bear children. No one would say their union is invalid.

Another concern sometimes raised is the idea that permitting same-sex marriage will weaken the family and/or society. In countries where same-sex marriage laws have been passed, marriage in general becomes far less frequent, although one could argue this would be the case anyway in post-religious culture. Instead, people decide to live together more often, and these informal unions -- due to their temporary nature -- break down frequently, often leaving children in their wake. Assuming some cause-effect relationship exists, and it’s mighty hard to argue otherwise, even this seems to be more of a symptom than a root problem.

I think perhaps the implied (if not practiced) permanence of marriage does serve the end of raising children more than it presents the often-proposed converse problem: bad marriages harm children, not to mention the partners. Reason supports the idea that children are best supported by parents in an exclusive, permanent relationship. Are same-sex unions unable to meet this criterion? I would guess that denying a same-sex couple that wishes to raise children the ability to publicly formalize their commitment might add to the problem.

Then we come to biblical condemnations. Some are tied to old-covenant purity laws. Some seem to be clear prohibitions for all people at all times, but so does head-covering and similar practices. I admit that these are different issues, but I wish it was more obvious.

I believe that life -- not to mention marriage, or any relationship – is best lived by sacrificing self for the best interest of others. That’s it. That’s what I know. Sure wish I could just do it well.

Various Random

2005-02-21T20:31:00.000-05:00

Out for 32 miles today, halfway through the ride I noticed about 75 yards of audiotape strewn across road, no mind for the wind and trucks blowing by. Disregarded. I couldn’t be sure, but something was telling me it was a recorded song. As if the psychic energy of the dying tape was leaking onto the road …

Heads of state who ride and wrangle
who look at your face from more than one angle
can cut you from their bloated budgets
like sharpened knives through chicken mcnuggets

Couldn’t get that riddim out of my head for the rest of the trip, but it did help on the painful up-hills.

I also caught a “gaggle” of gorgeous Canadian geese just lounging in an unused field. They are amazing creatures. They fly in thier “v” to cut down on energy. The lead bird -- each one rotates to that position -- cuts the wind, and each following uses 40-60% as much energy. When a member gets tired or injured, if they fall away from the group, two strong geese will fall out of formation to bring the weaker bird back to the group. It would not be able to make it back itself. In a bike (road) race, similar ideas apply. Drafting is a critical part of the race. The designated leader rides behind each teammate (“domestique”) in turn, each sacrificing all his energy for the sake of the leader, so he will have more to expend at the end of the contest. In the goosey world, cooperation is necessary for survival, not just an advantage in competition.

I love these images, because they are such a great picture of life. We are built for relationships. No exceptions. We do not survive without them. If we fall (and we do, eh?), it is critical that we have others to bring us back into the race. With them, we don’t just survive, we can flourish, and at times take the lead – and the hard work – on behalf of others.

In rugged contrast (or perhaps not?) I soon afterward rode past a group of aspiring young rednecks on ATV’s. Yeehaw. They actually chased me for about half a mile. Screaming something like “faggot!” or whatever. I don’t know whether to be flattered or offended, but something about the encounter made me grin.

Ok, my impression of the first 5 chapters of Melville’s Moby: Queer eye for the harpoon guy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that …

<< frivolous information section >>

Favorite liquids, in this order:

1. Strong Italian coffee
2. Extra-dry vodka martini up, shaken, olive
3. Pedro’s extra-dry chain lube (I've apparently got a thing for x-dry)
4. Room-temp water
5. Hearty red wine
6. OJ
7. Citrus Cytomax

If I have consumed all in one day, I mark a notch on my bike.

The Cruelty of Life

2005-02-19T17:42:00.000-05:00

I heard today that presidents Clinton and GHW Bush became emotional when presented with pictures made by children showing their parents swept away by the tsunami.

Shit.

What are we whining about?

Bookish

2005-02-19T17:22:00.000-05:00

I just opened Moby Dick for the first time. I know … I’m a literary loser. I’m only on the 5th chapter (of 134, thank you), but already I am feeling “Ohmygod, this is the best book I have ever read!” I just don’t know why it has taken me 25 years of adult literacy to get around to this work.

I had this sneaky plan this past Christmas. I want my oldest son (and the siblings after him) to read some contemporary classics, so I went on Amazon and bought about a dozen $5 paperback versions of these things “for my kids”. Animal Farm, Of Mice and Men, Lord of the Flies, Fahrenheit 451, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, etc. Stuff that is perhaps over his head right now, but of more substance than Harry Potter. I must admit that the Lemony Snicket books are creative and of surprising quality, but I don’t want him to skip these gems.

I have spent way too much of my post-collegiate reading time with the Christian “challenge and encouragement” genre. Not that this is a bad thing, it’s just like having spinach for every meal for several years. I have tinkered with fiction and such, but my diet is (was) far to unbalanced.

So I am determined to read about the whale. I truly can’t wait.

Monster Vote

2005-02-14T12:16:00.000-05:00

Jordan, our 13-year old artist, entered the "Miguzi Make a Monsterpiece" art contest sponsored by Cartoon Network. Out of over 104,000 entries by kids 13 and under, he is one of 10 finalists. These 10 kids will have their pictures on the Cartoon Network website from Feb 14 to Feb 21 so that visitors can vote on their favorite (not more than once a day!). The picture with the most votes will be used in a cartoon on TV.

So ... please ask everyone you know, including grandma, your boss, your neighbor, and the postman to vote for Jordan's picture. Thanks much!!

We

2005-02-12T11:30:00.000-05:00

I am sure I have seasonal affective disorder. I have abundant disorders. I can post a list if needed. I need sunlight like a reptile. Give me 25 years -- I'll be in Florida complaining about the enormous insects.

What is the deal with moods? Some people are cheerful all the time, others brooding. Some of us shift like a dancer’s steps. I am one of the moodiest people I know. I wouldn’t want to live with me.

Someone once told me that there is more value in loving people when you don’t feel like it than when emotions easily lead you there. It’s more intentional, and more of a self-offering. Ironically, the more we invest in others like that, the more we feel drawn to serve them. A bit like owning a home vs. renting a place. We are not just self. We are these others. Perhaps that’s why an offence against another is more like a self-destructive act than not.

Welcoming Porn Stars and Addicts

2005-01-30T15:47:00.000-05:00

Jesus was more concerned about the hypocrisy and “heavy burdens” from the religious leadership of his time than correcting the behaviors of those on the social fringe. In fact, he went out of his way to befriend and identify himself with the furthest out: touching lepers, drinking and socializing with prostitutes and tax collectors. He didn’t set aside any laws, just added qualifiers to the law: those without sin should throw the first stone. He didn’t condone their behavior; it simply wasn’t the focus of his interest. As he welcomed them, they examined their own hearts, and came to their own radical conclusions about their need to change. He loved them and welcomed them, and allowed the rest to take it’s course. It was only the religious self-righteous that he challenged regarding obedience and behavior – mainly because their (our) biggest problem was (is) failure to see their (our) own flaws.

We -- Christian culture -- have trouble understanding this. We like to think of ourselves as being the marginalized, but this is not the point. Jesus was marginalized. He did not set out to re-establish his own rights. I think this is why I react with frustration at the Christian Right’s condemnation and fear related to the perceived culture war. Because to some degree, they are me. Is there a culture war? Sure. But I wonder if our demands for others to conform (and thereby create a Christian state?) often made implicitly upon those outside, fuel misunderstanding and antagonism far more than assuage it. We need to stop spending so much time in vindicating our position, and welcome those on the margins. The way that man did. The one we name ourselves for.

Conspiracy

2005-01-29T16:53:00.000-05:00

Thank goodness Dr. Dobson is watching out for the best interest of our children. What next? Perhaps there is a secret Al Qaeda plot lurking in our Sunday-school curriculum!

LiveStrong

2005-01-26T19:12:00.000-05:00

If you've lived long, you know someone who battles cancer. Perhaps someone very close to you. Some have lost. Many fight now. I encourage you to give to this fight -- click the link in the title of this post.

Show solidarity with those fighting cancer. If you would like a wristband, let me know your address ... I'll send you as many as you want, in exchange for a commitment to donate any amount to the Lance Armstrong Foundation.

Many thanks.

The Point

2005-01-23T16:23:00.000-05:00

Rachel and I were talking Thursday about the interdependent setup that we are hoping to develop on our team at work. It became suddenly very obvious to both of us that this is the way life is in general: engineered so that we need each other.

Clay recently had a similar comment –- he offered that disagreement brings fruit, and fosters community and interaction. He provided this:

C.S. Lewis loved 'rational opposition' and Barfield supplied plenty of this. Besides sharing the same interests, Lewis wrote in Surprised by Joy, Barfield 'approaching them all at a different angle.' 'When you set out to correct his heresies,' said Lewis, 'you find he forsooth has decided to correct yours! And then you go at it, hammer and tongs, far into the night...out of this perpetual dogfight a community of mind and a deep affection emerge.' Barfield compared arguing with Lewis to 'wielding a peashooter against a howitzer'. It must be understood that 'rational opposition' is not quarreling. 'We were always,' said Barfield, 'arguing for truth not for victory, and arguing for truth, not for comfort.'

Clay is right. The interaction that disagreement requires is usually more important than the solution.

Walter the Farting Dog

2005-01-22T17:45:00.000-05:00

Ok, I’m not making this up.

My 4-year-old found this lovely book at the library. Reading it to him last night, it had the gritty feel of a Tarantino film. The first thing you notice is that the art is all Picasso/Dali surreal.

Walter is sold to a clown for ten bucks by a lying father -- due to the low take on their yard sale (old dentures, dig biscuit, dirty sock, broken sunglasses, used underpants, you get the picture)... which itself is partially a result of the stench of pooch flatus. The clown feeds the dog beans, and straps a glass “fart-catcher” to Walter’s arse that blows up balloons, all for a “good cause” … children’s birthday parties.

In reality, the clown is a manipulative bank robber, using the balloons as weapons to stun and “leverage” anyone in his way: “… or I’ll pop every one of them!”

After the heist, Walter is cajoled by the thief to eat up for the next job, but apparently a leak develops in the contraption on the dog, and the clown’s $50 cigar ignites the “gas” with a vengeance. The clown is blown through a TV set, and with smoking tail, Walter heads home – finding his family and leading the police to the hideout. All is well.

The book is dedicated to “everyone who’s ever felt misjudged or misunderstood.”

Absolutely one of the best I’ve ever read.

Relijun

2005-01-21T17:29:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been thinking about the purpose of Religion (besides war and bigotry). It seems that we (people "with skin on") need a tangible way to acknowledge God. This is to our own benefit. Corporate worship and practices can facilitate that. Faith content is best taught, understood, protected, and "managed" in general in a community where there is opportunity to flush out and apply the ideas of belief, where accountability is natural, and where people are challenged and encouraged to live consistent with what they believe. This "living" thing only seems relevant in relationships. This is one of the only ways we get a regular opportunity to die to self. Community is just a larger expression of family. We need a safe community to encourage that and live it out practically.

I made a comment a couple nights ago that seemed to make Tom uncomfortable: I believe my particular understanding of God and the world to be true -- at least as much as reasonable (as everyone except the psychotic does) and I am comfortable identifying my religion with God, however, I have been less comfortable lately identifying the Creator of Everything with my religion.

It just seems unreasonable that a supposedly infinite being could be captured and explained, even by a very very long list of whatnot. "God", if such a being exists, could only ever be partially understood. Religious belief can never reveal the whole picture. I suppose that doesn't mean that religious belief can't contain truth; it just won't be able to contain all truth. Which makes me wonder about the difference between partial understanding, and incorrect understanding.

So what of this truth? Is there such a thing as objective reality when speaking of God? I was violently protective of that idea for as long as I can recall, until about 5 months ago. Slowly, I am beginning to wonder if a demand for objective truth is necessary, or even healthy.

Uh ...

2005-01-16T11:51:00.000-05:00

Transfomed!

To Jeanne

2005-01-15T18:09:00.000-05:00

I do worry too much. Life is short. There is much to appreciate, and many to love. At risk of sounding overly sentimental, I’d like to kiss more young and old folks, and encourage the rest. So much to appreciate! There really is no other way than love. I don’t do this well, but I am working on “figuring it out”. I don’t mean getting fancy new knowledge, as much as letting go of old encumbrance. Mostly, it’s an issue of being honest (thank you, Jeanne), and looking after other people instead of self. Self-thought can poison our ability to give. What else brings meaning, except to offer ourselves to others?

Hurt

2005-01-08T16:37:00.000-05:00

As is my habit, I commuted to work by bicycle on Friday. It’s dark both ways, so the bike lights are important. On my way out of the building to come home, I found that I had apparently forgotten to fully re-charge my headlamp.

Should I call my wife? A cab? Maybe look for a lift from a co-worker? I left the building as a typical Independent American Male. No asking for help. Such a thing is shameful to the North American bearers of the XY-chromosome. So, of course, I chose to take the risk. Auh Auh Auh!

I rode off down the hill, after only a few moments I was asking for divine safety. I actually found myself (embarrassingly) singing an 80’s Christian song about angelic protection. At points, I was really quite scared. I could not see where I was going. Oncoming cars could not see me, and would occasionally turn into my path.

Deciding to ride in the dark, despite the risk -- I had gotten myself into my own bad situation -- made me think of the fact that I have done that type of thing many times before, and in far more significant ways.

Again, on a steep uphill (epiphany always come to me on climbs), the idea occurred to me that I had somehow … hurt God’s feelings. Perhaps not by riding in the dark that night, as much as metaphorically doing the same at other times. At first this “hurt feelings” thing seemed like a ridiculous proposition. After all, God does not need my friendship. He exists independent and complete, apart from any other being. Entertaining this thought seemed almost wrong: as if God were a weak, dependent person.

Person.

I realized that up to this point in my life, my “relationship” with God has been less of an actual relationship, and more of a formula, and standard of observance. By “observance”, I don’t necessarily mean formal worship codes, or a list of rules -- I’m talking about my conception of God, and the way I approach him. The idea that he could actually be hurt by my actions (or inaction) was honestly, a new realization. At least, I am now more willing to consider that this is the case.

I think that up to this point, I have not really understood the *personal* love that God has for me (and us). He wants a real relationship with us as any other person might. He seeks us, and is both disappointed and hurt by our rejection of him. This is far different from an angry, vindictive deity who waits to pounce when we step out of line. It’s so funny – I thought that I had dispensed with that caricature of God long ago.

Perhaps this is old news to you. In a way, it is not new to me either. I have believed this on some level all along, but I had not until now really understood it. I am actually ashamed that I have not given God more credit. If I, as a poor parent, could be so broken or moved by the actions and decisions of my own children – I would be willing to jump in front of the proverbial bus for any of them – would God feel less so?

BunnieFlix

2005-01-04T21:01:00.000-05:00

I have little stomach for gory films such as The Exorcist, The Shining, or Jaws, but if someone were too ... say ... compress the story to 30 seconds, and use cartoon bunnies ... I could be hip to that.

Compliments of 30-Second Bunnies Theater by Angry Alien Productions.

Mudman

2005-01-03T16:04:00.000-05:00

He appeared to be wandering around the side of this old farmhouse without a specific aim. At first, I just thought he was a guy with lots of brown on.

I had the day off work today, and decided to ride about 50K’s through a moderately hilly part of the county so dogs could chase me. What a kick. Anyway, as I was puffing up this “moderate” hill, with all the effort of an Olympic athlete, and the velocity of an arthritic grandmother’s walk -- on the left I see this brown dude sauntering about.

As I get closer, I can see that it is an adult humanoid, completely covered with medium-brown, chunky mud. No red mouth, no eyeholes, just wet dirt. Ok. “… wonder what that’s about …” I muttered to myself between gasps.

I never did stop to ask. I’m sure it was a great story, “Well, y’see we’ve this pregnant sow out by the barn, an’ she just don’t see the sense in raising her porky self to come inside, and we figgered the tractor was too dangerous. Then me and Buford figgered that we could just drag her back inside. She’s a bit bigger than we realized. Yep.” He did seem a bit ghost-like, disappearing and everything once I got close enough.

Anyway, every time I ride by the place I will probably look to see if Mudman cleaned up, or if he still wanders the farmland … looking for his lost pregnant pig.

Dreams and Visions

2004-12-28T17:13:00.000-05:00

Visions and Dreams

Christmas this year has been visited by personal loss, global disasters, and bizarre warnings of apocalypse. My grandmother died last week at age 98. The tsunami from Indonesia that (at this writing) killed over 55,000, and left hundreds of thousands homeless, is apparently small in comparison to the long-shot but real potential threat to the entire US east coast lurking in the Atlantic.

Things got briefly scarier with the discovery last week that an asteroid collision with Earth was more likely than scientists had seen in recent history: about 1 in 37 around year 2029.

I woke up late this morning to learn that our power was out. Without obvious panic – because I was still half asleep, and had too much wine last night – my mind went quickly to falling-sky scenarios. I must admit that I have a morbid curiosity with impending doom. I think that’s because I’d rather not pay off several stubborn debts and reconcile with my fellow human beings … and I occasionally allow myself the false hope that the second coming would put all that to rest.

I have browsed website-tabloids claiming to have the skinny on the approximate year the earth will shift on it’s axis, all the tectonic plates will swap with ocean bottoms like square dancers, and the next gloomy ice age will begin. Brrrr. I admit that I can identify with the folks who watched OJ for hours steer around the Los Angeles highways in his white Bronco. I’m a secret sensationalist. I feed this insatiable media frenzy. I don’t mean to be callous about the tragedy of the dear people near the Indian Ocean. My heart breaks over such a huge loss.

Maybe Sept 11th altered my outlook a bit. I do remember clearly relating to my wife and a few of my friends at different times a few weeks prior to 9/11/01 that I had a weird feeling that something big was about to happen. I was visiting a counselor (read: shrink without drugs) at the time to keep me from wrecking my marriage, and even he thought that was a bit odd, in a sort of accepting-yet-condescending way. I couldn’t say at all what this event was going to be, or even if it was good or bad, I just knew it was going to be very big. I never had an experience like that prior. Perhaps this has fueled my temptation look for disasters under every rock and weather anomaly. I may be the next budding Nostradamus. I bet he didn’t have revolving debt.

The real tragedy for people like me, is that we can get worked up about this looming disaster crap, and ignore far more dangerous issues sitting in our own backyards, or rather, in our own hearts. So what if Chinese forces attack us from Mexico? So what if both US coasts slide into the sea? I'm all in favor of ecological responsibility, but in reality, death is coming one way or the other. With global drama or without. All at once, or one at a time. The more important question is, what of the state of my heart? And the hearts of those I care about? And those I live near? And everyone else on the planet? It seems to me that drama and disaster (like the evening news) are more appealing to sensationalism junkies like me than taking care of the things that matter most.

For some reason, some of these thoughts had me reading about near-death experiences over the holiday weekend. Strange (read: really strange) stuff. New age folks eat it up like wheat germ. Evangelicals seem suspicious, since people regularly lack any report of judgment and thrones and angels with harps. And nobody asks “why should I let you into heaven” questions, fishing for the I’ve Accepted Jesus As My Personal Savior thing. People leave their body, go through a tunnel, and meet a being of light, but this person is not exactly identified, and he is rather easy on most people. I guess that makes sense, having just died and everything.

I really don’t know what to think of all this stuff, but it does seem to happen frequently. Reports from kids are pretty much the same as adults. Some estimate 8 million in the US alone. There are a couple physicians out there recording information immediately after people are revived. The good/bad experience ratio is about 50/50, unless you interview these same folks days later … then you find that everyone with a negative experience seems to have forgotten about it. It’s just too scary for the mind to hold on to.

And here I am, back to the issue of why I don’t pray. It’s not that I never pray. I just don’t spend time with God the way I do with people I have a healthy relationship with ... or rather, the way I imagine I should. What’s sadder is that I’ll take the time to set these thoughts down in a blog for both of you to read. Maybe I should put these minutes in the “prayer” column.

Small

2004-12-23T21:17:00.000-05:00

Man enjoys smallest small group

WESTCHESTER — Stu Clark belongs to what is believed to be the smallest small group in America: himself.

"I meet at my house every week in the living room," he says. "I bring snacks and my Bible, and after some chit-chat I get down to discussing that week's reading, sharing my burdens, my praise reports. Then I pray for myself."

He enjoys the intimacy he has gained with himself over the weeks, he says.

"There was a lot about me I didn't know," he says. "The small group setting brings out those personal details you might not otherwise share."

Sales Pitch

2004-12-23T08:11:00.000-05:00

One of the most creative websites I've ever seen

Gobble?

2004-12-18T17:09:00.000-05:00

Brendar, my friend, apparently you have job insecurity. Man has finally harnessed the incredible power of turkey shit.

What a world.

Bishop of OM

2004-12-18T14:47:00.000-05:00

// begin mushiness //

A guy’s guy. He promised to comment if is sufficiently schmoozed, so here’s my shot. Honestly, I know only a few that seem as truthful. Wouldn’t it be a different world if people both told you the truth, and gave a crap what was going on in your life? I don’t really know this dude. That only happens over time and plenteous life experience, but I know I’m right about this.

// end mushiness //

A Christmas Memory

2004-12-16T17:52:00.000-05:00

A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote.

A remarkable short story. Worth the read.

Honesty

2004-12-11T16:01:00.000-05:00

“I think a healthy outlook is to care for every part of your life in proportion to its significance.”

I wrote that as a reply to a recent blog by Brendar. I do believe that’s true. Family, relationships, gainful work, food, fun, learning, creative expression, exercise, cleaning my nostrils, scratching itchy places, paying taxes. In that order.

The thing that continues to absolutely astound me about that idea is: at the same time I think I really know how important prayer is -- I just don’t do it. That confession doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it is to me.

I do flatter myself thinking I really understand the significance of this communion-with-God thing, but I do know some. Enough to be responsible for my laziness.

Not sure what to do about that. I’ve long felt that what we really believe (to be important, true) reveals itself in our daily actions and activity. Talk to me all you want. Show me what you really think. This is troubling.

White Hot

2004-12-01T17:10:00.000-05:00

Sometimes there is no particular event or "comfort" that precedes it. Sometimes the overwhelming love of God for his children is made fresh by an experience or an observation. I got a chance to watch the film Luther with Dave and Chappy last night. It wouldn't take long to figure out why his story would provoke those thoughts. The actor playing Luther did a remarkable job at times showing Dr. Luther's intense passion for people to really understand how much God loves them. White-hot, zealous, unstoppable love.

Luther aside, I am absolutely convinced that we don't get it. At least I know for sure that I don't. Not even a little. If we caught even a momentary glimpse we would be so overcome that it might stop our heart in terrified wonder. Perhaps that will be the fearful door we will be asked to enter in faith when we give up this shell. To walk through it without that faith would simply be too frightening a prospect. We might be consumed. Truth is, we will be. Some of us already are.

Old Man

2004-11-29T18:49:00.000-05:00

I renewed my driver's license today (42 days overdue). I looked at the pic from 2000, and compared to the new ID ... apparently I am aging along with the rest of the sea of humanity. 39 is not exactly ready for the folks home, but it ain't no high-school deal either. I get sore more often. I wake up with aches and ailments. I am slowly dying. This is easy to deny when you are young and virile ... I don't mean to wax melodramatic ... but I see the giant coming over the hill.

I am looking forward to being a dirty old man. Since I am an upright dirty middle-aged man, I doubt that I will change that much.

There's the thing. Change. I hate it and I love it. It scares me. I see my philosophy of life and my core assumptions shifting and changing far more frequently than I would have expected for a guy approaching 40. That's for college students, eh? Apparently not. What a wild ride this is.

"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?"

2004-11-20T11:49:00.000-05:00

The Christian faith at it’s core offers the most ridiculous propositions: the Creator of the universe, being both separate from it and actively sustaining everything within it each moment, has somehow become a creature, and offers to live within each person who receives him. This is all logical impossibility. If this first and central idea (Trinity) is paradox … if the ball gets rolling on the acceptance of “truths” that betray my very understanding of what can be true, then it seems probable that this would lurk elsewhere. If I decide to pitch camp in this faith, I need to stop insisting that things always make sense.

The irony is, the older I get, the more things seem to make sense. The problem of evil is a necessary result of freewill. Legitimate tensions of ideology: liberal/conservative, Catholic/Protestant, rational/intuitive, change/permanence, etc. seem to serve as discouragement to make an idol of my own convictions.

My own inclination to regard the world with a fundamentalist mindset is a good example of this temptation toward idolatry. I use that term to describe my strong impulse to draw black-and-white conclusions about things. The difficult and fearful concerns of the world need to be placed in tight, convenient containers that allow me to secure explanation and then move about my business with smug confidence.

I am not master. I have not called everything into existence. I find purpose and freedom in submission and dependence.

A Nation Divided

2004-11-20T10:11:00.000-05:00

"America has two great dominant strands of political thought ... conservatism, which at its very best draws lines that should not be crossed, and progressivism, which at its very best breaks down barriers that are no longer needed or should never have been erected in the first place."

-- President Clinton at the Dedication of the Clinton Presidential Center 11/18/04

self forgetfulness

2004-11-13T15:07:00.000-05:00

It's like in the movies: the projector shouldn't be seen as part of the screen. If it is -- if a part of it is hanging loose, say, and blocking part of the lens -- then the picture is messed up. You see, the projector isn't designed to project itself, but to project the movie. We're like that projector. We were designed by God to know and love and praise and enjoy him and his other children and his world. Instead, we keep getting in our own way. Selfishness and self-regard are like pieces of self, pieces of the projector hanging down and blocking the light. They get in the way of what we're designed to do. In self-forgetfulness ... we approach our original design, at least a little closer, for a little while.

-- Peter Kreeft, Prayer: The Great Conversation

Kerry Consolation

2004-11-06T23:04:00.000-05:00

Potato Hugger

2004-11-06T13:08:00.000-05:00

It happened this summer at least three or four times. I'm cruising along a quiet road by myself early on a Saturday morning, drinking in the air and sun. They are usually perched in a low bush -- maybe 5 or 6. Male goldfinches. I roll by their hangout, and they must recognize me. Except for the bike, and a helmet that would make a bald head sunburn like Darth Maul, I look just like them. I have on all black, and a bright yellow "breast" (easy now).

So these little guys all jump out of the bush and fly alongside me for (I'm not making this up) at least 200 yards. They bob up and down like poppers on big waves, but they stay with me. I have convinced myself that these birds, being pretty and everything, get harassed by larger, uglier male birds. They hit jackpot when they see a 165lb goldfinch. "Steve! Did you see the size of that guy? He'd make a crow crap the nest! See if he wants to hang out." Then they figure it out, and shoot off to the right.

Every time I go riding, something unusual happens. When something unusual doesn't happen, it seems weird. Most often it's just the person I meet mid-way through the ride. Cyclists as a group are friendly, talkative, and interesting. That, of course is true of almost everyone (if you ask them questions), but the bike-comrade factor is powerful. We have a common enemy: rednecks in pickups who hug curbs and yell profanity.

Today I rode past a huge potato relaxing in the middle of the road. He wasn't sunning -- there was too much shade. I really don't know what got in to me, but I stopped and relocated the spud to the side so it wouldn't get plastered. Why the hell did I do that? I felt embarrassed as soon as I got back on. The thing is a root. Was I actually trying to save a root? I suppose that's better than aiming for the squirrels that jump out in the road. I do that sometimes too. Go figure.

Chutzpah

2004-11-04T17:56:00.000-05:00

“… you rebuke offenders little by little, warn them, and remind them of the sins they are committing, that they may abandon their wickedness and believe in you …” Wisdom 12:2 (yes, that’s from a “deuterocannonical” book not found in your average Protestant Bible)

Word. This has been the picture for me lately, and it’s undeniably divine mercy that I don’t see the whole state of affairs all at once. These small steps are all I can normally handle. The frustrating thing is that I can now see more clearly the damage that I have done (and that still to play out), and wish that I knew earlier. I suppose I just wasn’t ready. Cripes ... what else is out there?

I have been protecting myself. I want approval, and I don’t want conflict, so I have not been honest with people, even those I care about. I know I don’t need to sling around “truth” like a RPG launcher, but I hold back to keep safe even when I know that the other really needs it. This week I have had the opportunity to cross my threshold of fear and try out the dangerous truth. What a relief for everybody involved.

Habits

2004-11-01T17:28:00.000-05:00

Jon replied to the 10/29 entry: "Sometimes repetitive sin that you openly are aware of creates guilt and an undeserving feeling." This was such a good reflection; I figured I'd add a new entry as a reply.

I think the danger of habitual sin is not that God is watching to see when we will finally cross the line ... so he can squash us like bugs or exclude us from His presence against our will. The danger is that if we keep asking, just like the persistent widow, to repeat a theme: he gives us what we want.

Over time as we entertain habitual sin, we gradually loose the desire to fight it. If you are alive reading this, chances are, you know precisely what I mean. We become contented with our patterns of sin, and potentially, in the end, we prefer it (self) to God.

It may seem like a stretch, but I believe that in every case, sin is the search for some good, just using a wrong method or under the wrong circumstances. The adulterer is trying to obtain intimacy: significant connection with another. This desire in itself is very good -- we were designed for it. Even self-destructive behavior is often linked to God-given desires planted deep in us.

The deception is to think that either our internal desires, warped and corrupt as they may be, are the issue, or that our behavior is the issue. Rather, it boils down to selfishness – often choosing a very good thing instead of the best thing. Preferring creature to creator. That’s quite a mental shift. I suppose that’s why “conversion” is an apt phrase. We don’t just work on being good, and little by little score an A+. We are offered the change that radically transforms us from slavery to self, to being enabled by God to give ourselves away (even if there are frequent lapses into old habits).

But for most of us, those habits are just too comfortable, and change is just too scary. We don’t need to be good boys and girls. We need to get rid of our cowardice. Or, at least act like we are brave. Leaping is more courageous than having no fear of the drop.

Progressive Belief

2004-10-30T15:14:00.000-05:00

Over chilly cans of Beck’s, a good friend and I were discussing love and commitment. He has come to the place where he believes it is in his own best interest to disengage from his family: he is separating from his wife.

I was saying that we gain the most personally not by seeking our own satisfaction, but by it's opposite: self-sacrifice. This includes the often-monotonous everyday hassles of life. I don’t think we agreed about this. I have the conviction that if my goal is me, I will get just that. That’s an ugly loneliness.

I suppose I have the same opinion about life in general. In the end, we get what we really want. I find it hard to believe that as we are ushered from this life to the next, we will try to make a case for unfair treatment due to a lack of understanding. If we ignore what we already know, God may “protect” us from further culpability by allowing us to darken our own understanding. But that’s not an excuse. Somewhere along the line, we ignored. The drunk didn’t know what he was doing when he grabbed the keys, then ran headlong into an SUV with a young mom and baby girl. But don’t try to tell him it wasn’t his fault. He lives guilt now. He did make the decision to keep drinking, and he knows he owns it, even if it's not as awful as intentionally doing it.

Life with or without God is a progressive acceptance or denial. Sin itself is progressive in the same way. Who or what is our God?

The Challenge

2004-10-30T14:36:00.000-05:00

Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side; do not be faithless, but believing."

Thomas answered him, "My Lord and my God!"

Jesus said to him, "Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe."

Creative Diversion

2004-10-30T13:55:00.000-05:00

Had a great deal of fun re-arranging the site format today. I hope it's easier to read. In any case, it's more my preference than the former.

Unforgivable

2004-10-29T07:01:00.000-05:00

I believe there really is a sin that cannot be forgiven. No one is exempt. From the holiest to the most lowly (although, there is truly no difference).

The unforgivable sin is this: final refusal of God's forgiveness. In daily life, I think this usually takes the form of denial of the need to be forgiven. Even when we acknowledge our desperate situation, we often believe that God is unwilling to forgive.

We are busy about justifying our actions, mindset, activity … or lack of it. When we look honestly at ourselves and see the selfishness that motivates our actions, we become free to call our situation as it is.

I watch my 12-year-old son frequently, and with remarkable conviction, deny his own wrongs. So much so, that he really believes his own excuses. My heart goes out to him. He is just a smaller version of me. But his struggle is an important one -- I know he needs to go through it. He (like us) needs to understand his actions (and lack of action), and the consequences. We need to be honest with ourselves and our maker about these things. It is impossible to really grab the rope if you don’t believe you are drowning.

For many of us, trusting that God is going to hold the rope tight is a daily struggle. I wrestle with this a great deal. I think it’s the root of why I don’t pray. On some level, I just don’t think God gives a crap. The only way out (that I can tell) is when I trust God with my will, in spite of how I feel. Exercising that muscle seems to lend to freedom of use. It may sound trite, but I simply need to be faithful in the small daily things. I can’t think my way into faith, or shortcut this process. I’ve tried it, and it doesn’t work.

2004-10-24T20:26:00.000-05:00

That's what I'm talkin about ...

Fear

2004-10-24T12:14:00.000-05:00

In a conversation at work last Friday with Karen and Laurie, I asked why people often seem afraid to be direct with me. They both let me know that it was because I am “too nice”. I know they didn’t mean that I needed to be more of a jerk (were that possible), they meant that when I’m not direct with other people, they don’t feel comfortable being direct with me. I qualify and cushion any negative comments so much that you can hardly get my point, and people wonder what I’m really thinking. Some of the guys have cared enough to let me know the same.

I have a friend named Mark who hails from upstate NY. Maybe that geography is not relevant, but the thing I really appreciate about this guy is his brutal authenticity. You don’t always like what he says, it’s not always favorable, but you know exactly where he stands. And when he communicates concern you know he means it.

I want to be more like Mark. I think I’m mainly too afraid to say what I really think. I’ve known for as long as I can remember that I am a slave to social approval. Not in every case, but too much. Need to work on that.

Joe

2004-10-22T16:11:00.000-05:00

Like most, I nurture a long and convivial addiction. Perfect mix of ritual, fragrance, flavor, habit, and stimulant. I could easier give up beer than java, and that’s saying something. I have been told that the precaffeinated Gar is somewhat less than (ahem) amicable. Feck ‘em. If anyone wishes social intercourse, I must be sufficiently aroused, or sedated …

Beer and smokes with the guys. A martini in the early evening with my wife while she makes dinner (that’s one sweet deal). Seems like this drug-and-conversation shtick isn’t just me, but I’m surprised how powerful it is. The atmosphere is so essential, and much of that is the drink. We can communicate without it (one would hope), but there is some sort of distraction about it that brings the guard down, apart from the physiological effect.

I was watching a History Channel program about moonshining during the prohibition, and they observed that if government attempts to remove booze from a culture, it finds it’s way back almost immediately and with remarkable efficiency. Been that way for 7000 years. They also pointed out how during the early colonial period more alcohol was consumed per person (including children!) than at any other time in US history: something like a whopping 50 gallons of beer per person per year. I almost choked on a chip: that don’t seem like much … perhaps it was the Golden Monkey? Those puritans knew how to party.

Leadership vs. Dominance Part II

2004-10-21T16:07:00.000-05:00

The last post on this topic was a bit brief. I thought I'd expand ...

God is our Father. The Church is a family, reflecting God's own nature: relationship. Any good parent has the right and responsibility to direct their children's actions via command and prohibition. As time goes on, and maturity takes place, this direction becomes more like consultation. The child no longer follows rules simply fearing the consequences of disobedience (compelled behavior), they see the reasons and principles behind the instruction, decide to embrace that, and choose appropriate directions themselves (induced behavior).

I read an article recently that seemed to imply that hierarchical command-and-control management is really ineffective and dishonoring. Preference should be given to "chaordic" leadership, where leadership spontaneously appears from different individuals to address the need of the moment.

"Induced behavior is the essence of leader/follower. Compelled behavior is the essence of all the other relational concepts. Where behavior is compelled, there you will find tyranny, however benign. Where behavior is induced, there you will find leadership ..." -- The Art of Chaordic Leadership, Dee Hock

This is correct, but the author fails to explain why. The growth process which begins with "command management" (early parenting) needs to take place to facilitate the process of maturity. When this process is cut short, growth cannot occur. This is relevant to our personal emotional maturity, our personal spiritual growth, and corporate spritual growth of the church.

The law is not eliminated by the gospel, it is fulfilled by it. In the New Covenant, the Spirit's presence, direction, and power now rest permanently within the individual follower and within the church at large, to enable us to genuinely act from the motive of self-sacrificial love. But we don't necessarily always rely on that direction and power. Sometimes we ignore it.

Is fear (and behavior compelled by it) wrong? No, just immature. Are we really so far along as individuals or as church that we can disregard God's commands? Don't we occasionally look to the law to keep our selfish tendencies in check? No matter how much growth takes place, to some degree we are always spiritual children. We simply need to continue the process of growing up. I would argue that disregarding the usefulness and validity of law will stunt growth, not facilitate it. Law was never intended to provide salvation; commands are not a replacement for mature motivations. The law cannot save us, because the law only describes love: as measure to compare our actions to. It does not enable us to love.

Form Over Content

2004-10-20T19:56:00.000-05:00

Politics has become an art of form-over-content. Religious messages have taken the same tack. It is taboo to really suggest that x or y is true. The majority of effort is invested in making sure the listener/recipient will respond positively. To hell with the veracity of the content. Will the ratings go up? Will the election be won? Will our numbers grow? Tickle, tickle.

There are times when speaking truth draws harsher reactions than just criticism. But that is also not the issue. There is not so much a fear of negative response, as much as a fear of loss of sales. We have all become religious and political consumers. Perhaps it has always been so?

I don't know what the hell happened to my 10/15 blog, but many of the ideas are represented here: www.soulhorizon.com/board/viewtopic.php?t=6514&sid=1fa26c81afbc24e46090f4fb0202213b

ips

Leadership vs. Dominance

2004-10-15T12:09:00.000-05:00

Opportunities Require Discernment

2004-08-02T16:14:00.000-05:00

Excerpted from this week's "Monday Manna" from CBMC by Robert J. Tamasy

"When opportunity knocks, be certain to answer the door!" This is sound advice, without question, but it should come with a word of caution: Just because an opportunity presents itself, it is not necessarily the right opportunity for you.

There are other times when opportunities need to be considered in terms of your own limited time and personal resources. It’s not that an opportunity is wrong or bad; it simply may require more energy than you can give to it, or it may prevent you from acting upon even more suitable opportunities. Oswald Chambers, in My Utmost For His Highest, writes, "The greatest enemy of the life of faith in God is not sin, but good choices which are not quite good enough. The good is always the enemy of the best" (May 25).

What a striking thought: Good being the enemy of the best! If this statement is true, how do we distinguish good opportunities that come our way from the best opportunities? Particularly because what is merely good for one person, based on his or her interests, skills and gifts, would be the best endeavor for someone else? For instance, assuming a key leadership role in a volunteer organization may prove ideal for one individual, while the same role could cause great frustration for someone else with equal ability whose interests lie elsewhere.

In addressing any area of uncertainty in life, including enticing opportunities, careful discernment is indispensable.

Think through opportunities carefully before acting on them. When a new situation seems appealing, especially compared with what we presently are involved with, we can easily respond impulsively, without thinking through all the possible ramifications. The best time to correct a bad decision is before you make it.

"The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception."
Proverbs 14:8

"A simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives thought to his steps."
Proverbs 14:15

Consider opportunities rationally; don’t let your ego get in the way. "You would be the perfect person for the job!" Has anyone said something like this to you? It’s flattering to hear such things, but no one knows you as well as you do. Sometimes people offer such encouragement to persuade, knowing a job needs to be done -- and you seem to be the only one available to do it. Don’t be swayed by words that puff up your ego.

"The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of fools feeds on folly."
Proverbs 15:14

Sometimes the best opportunity is the one you are already engaged in. Many of us like variety, and in any job there are times when it seems boring and routine. At such times we may start thinking about doing something new and fresh and different. But if not carefully evaluated, a drastic change can prove disastrous.

"A discerning man keeps wisdom in view, but a fool’s eyes wander to the ends of the earth."
Proverbs 17:24

Radical Here & Now

2004-07-27T11:51:00.000-05:00

Resting partway between the River Dave, and the Lake of Brendar is the small hamlet of Gar. Oh look! The village idiot is about to say something...

So what exactly does obedience to God's call look like? Do we sometimes say yes to the radical for self-serving motivations? Perhaps we struggle with the desire to nurture our complacent status quo, unwilling to take a risk? “Yup” twice.

I am thinking that we need to start with obedience to where God has put us, and openness to where he is going. We need to be willing. Willing to give everything. Willing to take action. Attentive to our situation right now.

Jeremy (6) has an older sister Katie (8) who was not progressing well in her fight against Polycystic Kidney Disease. One of her kidneys had failed, the other was close to failure, and she was increasingly dependent on dialysis. Katie's physicians had come to the conclusion that her best chance for survival was to receive a new kidney from a compatible donor.

After months of waiting, a suitable donor could not be found, and Katie's condition became grave. It had been discovered shortly into this process that Jeremy was a perfect candidate for donation. The operation presented some risks to both children, but the chances of survival were very optimistic.

Jeremy's parents asked him at home if he would be willing to donate a kidney to his little sister, so that she could move off the machine, and have a better chance to get well. Jeremy thought carefully about the proposition, and after only a few moments decided yes -- definitely, he wanted to donate to his sister that he loved so much. His parents were pleased, and somewhat surprised that he was so willing. The arrangements were made.

The morning of the transplant, Katie and Jeremy were talked through the procedure as much as reasonable for children of their age, and after kisses and some tears, Katie was sedated first. Jeremy's parents then thanked him again and kissed him as he lay waiting for his anesthesia. He then turned to his mother and asked with simple acceptance, "Mommy, is this when I die?"

His parents were completely stunned at the misunderstanding, but so much more at Jeremy's willingness to give his life for his sister -- and so unselfishly! They emphatically reassured him that he was not going to die, and that this was just a way for Jeremy to help his sister. He quietly replied, "ok," and was put to sleep.

His parents and the attending hospital staff never forgot that amazing demonstration of unconditional, self-sacrificial love.

Maybe you know that story. I'm sure I butchered it. No clue if it is true or not. But it speaks to me -- and maybe it speaks to this issue.

Think it Your Way

2004-07-19T08:26:00.000-05:00

We can't help but see the world through the lens of our own experience, understanding, and existing beliefs. Faith is no different -- unless God decides to intervene and reveal himself. Fortunately he does this, but his interventions are also in this same category. We can understand truth only in the context of what we already believe to be true. What are those assumptions? How do we discern when "revelations" are from God, and not our own ideas ... or perhaps from a darker source?

"In essentials, unity ..." -- Amen! But who decides what issues are essential? As modern (or post-modern) Americans, we all take up that responsibility individually. At least we like to think that. This seems a bit contradictory. If we ultimately see ourselves as responsible for discerning the voice of the Spirit in matters of truth, there really is no purely external rule we apply to our beliefs, since every apparent external rule (scripture, history, etc.) is subject to our own understanding and interpretation -- or more precisely: the understanding of those who taught us. Are we (they) correct? How do we know?

I have a friend who is going through a painful separation from his wife. It appears to me that this is his decision, and he is experiencing the consequenses. His primary reason for doing this is that he feels compelled to understand and re-think why he believes what he does. Much of his beliefs have previously seemed to him to be built on foundational assumptions that he does not see the basis for.

His story is dramatic, and if I am honest with him, his response to his own questioning is quite selfish, but in an important way, his questions are quite valid.

To blog or not ...

2004-07-14T12:23:00.000-05:00

I have very few meaningful thoughts to share, so I am apparently a superior candidate for blogdom.

I have read several other blogs, and found that we are all putting good effort into making our thoughts known. We are all like this, I think. We need to be known. I experience tremendous stress when I feel misunderstood. I suppose that's common. I feel very comforted when I sense I have been understood. This is not a middle-school phenomenon -- we just get better at hiding it or lying to ourselves about it as we age -- though some geriatrics don't give a rip what people think anymore. Looking forward to that stage of life!