To Jeanne

I do worry too much. Life is short. There is much to appreciate, and many to love. At risk of sounding overly sentimental, I’d like to kiss more young and old folks, and encourage the rest. So much to appreciate! There really is no other way than love. I don’t do this well, but I am working on “figuring it out”. I don’t mean getting fancy new knowledge, as much as letting go of old encumbrance. Mostly, it’s an issue of being honest (thank you, Jeanne), and looking after other people instead of self. Self-thought can poison our ability to give. What else brings meaning, except to offer ourselves to others?

Hurt

As is my habit, I commuted to work by bicycle on Friday. It’s dark both ways, so the bike lights are important. On my way out of the building to come home, I found that I had apparently forgotten to fully re-charge my headlamp.

Should I call my wife? A cab? Maybe look for a lift from a co-worker? I left the building as a typical Independent American Male. No asking for help. Such a thing is shameful to the North American bearers of the XY-chromosome. So, of course, I chose to take the risk. Auh Auh Auh!

I rode off down the hill, after only a few moments I was asking for divine safety. I actually found myself (embarrassingly) singing an 80’s Christian song about angelic protection. At points, I was really quite scared. I could not see where I was going. Oncoming cars could not see me, and would occasionally turn into my path.

Deciding to ride in the dark, despite the risk -- I had gotten myself into my own bad situation -- made me think of the fact that I have done that type of thing many times before, and in far more significant ways.

Again, on a steep uphill (epiphany always come to me on climbs), the idea occurred to me that I had somehow … hurt God’s feelings. Perhaps not by riding in the dark that night, as much as metaphorically doing the same at other times. At first this “hurt feelings” thing seemed like a ridiculous proposition. After all, God does not need my friendship. He exists independent and complete, apart from any other being. Entertaining this thought seemed almost wrong: as if God were a weak, dependent person.

Person.

I realized that up to this point in my life, my “relationship” with God has been less of an actual relationship, and more of a formula, and standard of observance. By “observance”, I don’t necessarily mean formal worship codes, or a list of rules -- I’m talking about my conception of God, and the way I approach him. The idea that he could actually be hurt by my actions (or inaction) was honestly, a new realization. At least, I am now more willing to consider that this is the case.

I think that up to this point, I have not really understood the *personal* love that God has for me (and us). He wants a real relationship with us as any other person might. He seeks us, and is both disappointed and hurt by our rejection of him. This is far different from an angry, vindictive deity who waits to pounce when we step out of line. It’s so funny – I thought that I had dispensed with that caricature of God long ago.

Perhaps this is old news to you. In a way, it is not new to me either. I have believed this on some level all along, but I had not until now really understood it. I am actually ashamed that I have not given God more credit. If I, as a poor parent, could be so broken or moved by the actions and decisions of my own children – I would be willing to jump in front of the proverbial bus for any of them – would God feel less so?

BunnieFlix

I have little stomach for gory films such as The Exorcist, The Shining, or Jaws, but if someone were too ... say ... compress the story to 30 seconds, and use cartoon bunnies ... I could be hip to that.

Compliments of 30-Second Bunnies Theater by Angry Alien Productions.

Mudman

He appeared to be wandering around the side of this old farmhouse without a specific aim. At first, I just thought he was a guy with lots of brown on.

I had the day off work today, and decided to ride about 50K’s through a moderately hilly part of the county so dogs could chase me. What a kick. Anyway, as I was puffing up this “moderate” hill, with all the effort of an Olympic athlete, and the velocity of an arthritic grandmother’s walk -- on the left I see this brown dude sauntering about.

As I get closer, I can see that it is an adult humanoid, completely covered with medium-brown, chunky mud. No red mouth, no eyeholes, just wet dirt. Ok. “… wonder what that’s about …” I muttered to myself between gasps.

I never did stop to ask. I’m sure it was a great story, “Well, y’see we’ve this pregnant sow out by the barn, an’ she just don’t see the sense in raising her porky self to come inside, and we figgered the tractor was too dangerous. Then me and Buford figgered that we could just drag her back inside. She’s a bit bigger than we realized. Yep.” He did seem a bit ghost-like, disappearing and everything once I got close enough.

Anyway, every time I ride by the place I will probably look to see if Mudman cleaned up, or if he still wanders the farmland … looking for his lost pregnant pig.

Dreams and Visions

Visions and Dreams

Christmas this year has been visited by personal loss, global disasters, and bizarre warnings of apocalypse. My grandmother died last week at age 98. The tsunami from Indonesia that (at this writing) killed over 55,000, and left hundreds of thousands homeless, is apparently small in comparison to the long-shot but real potential threat to the entire US east coast lurking in the Atlantic.

Things got briefly scarier with the discovery last week that an asteroid collision with Earth was more likely than scientists had seen in recent history: about 1 in 37 around year 2029.

I woke up late this morning to learn that our power was out. Without obvious panic – because I was still half asleep, and had too much wine last night – my mind went quickly to falling-sky scenarios. I must admit that I have a morbid curiosity with impending doom. I think that’s because I’d rather not pay off several stubborn debts and reconcile with my fellow human beings … and I occasionally allow myself the false hope that the second coming would put all that to rest.

I have browsed website-tabloids claiming to have the skinny on the approximate year the earth will shift on it’s axis, all the tectonic plates will swap with ocean bottoms like square dancers, and the next gloomy ice age will begin. Brrrr. I admit that I can identify with the folks who watched OJ for hours steer around the Los Angeles highways in his white Bronco. I’m a secret sensationalist. I feed this insatiable media frenzy. I don’t mean to be callous about the tragedy of the dear people near the Indian Ocean. My heart breaks over such a huge loss.

Maybe Sept 11th altered my outlook a bit. I do remember clearly relating to my wife and a few of my friends at different times a few weeks prior to 9/11/01 that I had a weird feeling that something big was about to happen. I was visiting a counselor (read: shrink without drugs) at the time to keep me from wrecking my marriage, and even he thought that was a bit odd, in a sort of accepting-yet-condescending way. I couldn’t say at all what this event was going to be, or even if it was good or bad, I just knew it was going to be very big. I never had an experience like that prior. Perhaps this has fueled my temptation look for disasters under every rock and weather anomaly. I may be the next budding Nostradamus. I bet he didn’t have revolving debt.

The real tragedy for people like me, is that we can get worked up about this looming disaster crap, and ignore far more dangerous issues sitting in our own backyards, or rather, in our own hearts. So what if Chinese forces attack us from Mexico? So what if both US coasts slide into the sea? I'm all in favor of ecological responsibility, but in reality, death is coming one way or the other. With global drama or without. All at once, or one at a time. The more important question is, what of the state of my heart? And the hearts of those I care about? And those I live near? And everyone else on the planet? It seems to me that drama and disaster (like the evening news) are more appealing to sensationalism junkies like me than taking care of the things that matter most.

For some reason, some of these thoughts had me reading about near-death experiences over the holiday weekend. Strange (read: really strange) stuff. New age folks eat it up like wheat germ. Evangelicals seem suspicious, since people regularly lack any report of judgment and thrones and angels with harps. And nobody asks “why should I let you into heaven” questions, fishing for the I’ve Accepted Jesus As My Personal Savior thing. People leave their body, go through a tunnel, and meet a being of light, but this person is not exactly identified, and he is rather easy on most people. I guess that makes sense, having just died and everything.

I really don’t know what to think of all this stuff, but it does seem to happen frequently. Reports from kids are pretty much the same as adults. Some estimate 8 million in the US alone. There are a couple physicians out there recording information immediately after people are revived. The good/bad experience ratio is about 50/50, unless you interview these same folks days later … then you find that everyone with a negative experience seems to have forgotten about it. It’s just too scary for the mind to hold on to.

And here I am, back to the issue of why I don’t pray. It’s not that I never pray. I just don’t spend time with God the way I do with people I have a healthy relationship with ... or rather, the way I imagine I should. What’s sadder is that I’ll take the time to set these thoughts down in a blog for both of you to read. Maybe I should put these minutes in the “prayer” column.

Small

Man enjoys smallest small group

WESTCHESTER — Stu Clark belongs to what is believed to be the smallest small group in America: himself.

"I meet at my house every week in the living room," he says. "I bring snacks and my Bible, and after some chit-chat I get down to discussing that week's reading, sharing my burdens, my praise reports. Then I pray for myself."

He enjoys the intimacy he has gained with himself over the weeks, he says.

"There was a lot about me I didn't know," he says. "The small group setting brings out those personal details you might not otherwise share."

Sales Pitch

One of the most creative websites I've ever seen

Gobble?

Brendar, my friend, apparently you have job insecurity. Man has finally harnessed the incredible power of turkey shit.

What a world.

Bishop of OM

// begin mushiness //

A guy’s guy. He promised to comment if is sufficiently schmoozed, so here’s my shot. Honestly, I know only a few that seem as truthful. Wouldn’t it be a different world if people both told you the truth, and gave a crap what was going on in your life? I don’t really know this dude. That only happens over time and plenteous life experience, but I know I’m right about this.

// end mushiness //

A Christmas Memory

A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote.

A remarkable short story. Worth the read.

Honesty

“I think a healthy outlook is to care for every part of your life in proportion to its significance.”

I wrote that as a reply to a recent blog by Brendar. I do believe that’s true. Family, relationships, gainful work, food, fun, learning, creative expression, exercise, cleaning my nostrils, scratching itchy places, paying taxes. In that order.

The thing that continues to absolutely astound me about that idea is: at the same time I think I really know how important prayer is -- I just don’t do it. That confession doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it is to me.

I do flatter myself thinking I really understand the significance of this communion-with-God thing, but I do know some. Enough to be responsible for my laziness.

Not sure what to do about that. I’ve long felt that what we really believe (to be important, true) reveals itself in our daily actions and activity. Talk to me all you want. Show me what you really think. This is troubling.

White Hot

Sometimes there is no particular event or "comfort" that precedes it. Sometimes the overwhelming love of God for his children is made fresh by an experience or an observation. I got a chance to watch the film Luther with Dave and Chappy last night. It wouldn't take long to figure out why his story would provoke those thoughts. The actor playing Luther did a remarkable job at times showing Dr. Luther's intense passion for people to really understand how much God loves them. White-hot, zealous, unstoppable love.

Luther aside, I am absolutely convinced that we don't get it. At least I know for sure that I don't. Not even a little. If we caught even a momentary glimpse we would be so overcome that it might stop our heart in terrified wonder. Perhaps that will be the fearful door we will be asked to enter in faith when we give up this shell. To walk through it without that faith would simply be too frightening a prospect. We might be consumed. Truth is, we will be. Some of us already are.