To Change, Stop Trying

Don Miller mentioned in his recent blog "How to Change a Negative Character Trait" an idea he found years ago in a book about personality types that can seem counter-intuitive for many of us, at least upon first read.

"people don’t change by beating themselves up or condemning themselves. The key, rather, is to simply acknowledge what we are doing and and why, then move on without self judgement. [we should] not even attempt to change."

I am referencing his post for two reasons:

1. I am Catholic, and know a thing or two about guilt and it's influence and power.

2. From personal experience, I believe that idea is dead-on.

We don't change our own negative behavior by berating ourselves or applying efforts to stop. Other religious themes seem to verify this idea. A characteristic idea of Christian thought is the power of "original sin"; we acknowledge that of our own motives and without God's grace, we are irreversibly inclined toward selfishness and evil. The way out is not our own effort, but another who remakes us. Another similar expression of this is from 12-step groups: Step one (one can assume the "foundation" for change) is always acknowledgement of helplessness over the addictive behavior. In fact, 12-step programs seem to communicate this principle more concisely and clearly than many Christian expressions do.

Miller goes on:

"In my own life, this comes in moments when I find myself angry or selfish and I simply say to myself 'Hey, you’re doing that thing where you get jealous.' In other times, I will feel like people don’t like me, I won’t want to go to a party or something and I’ll say to myself 'Hey, you’re doing that thing where you identify as a marginalized person because it makes you feel special.' The trick is to make these simple, objective statements without condemnation or judgment. Awareness is everything. And slowly, these character faults within us begin to change."

I strongly identify with all this. I see the most progress in my own battles with fear of rejection, anger, manipulation, and pretense (that's the short list), when I back off from the white-knuckle grasping and self-judgement, and simply acknowledged the truth. That may be the power of all this: desperate efforts to change and frustrated forehead-slapping incline me to resist the truth about myself. An almost detached and non-judgmental approach enables me to evaluate what's going on with honesty. And honesty about the darkness of our own motives is both rare and frightening. It doesn't just wander in. We need to invite it carefully and thoughtfully.

Truth vs. Labels

You must choose (in this exercise) to be either one of the following:

1. An acknowledged Christian.  Everyone knows this is what you proclaim.  This is also not the reality.  In your inmost places, your true motives, and the actions that result from them, you seek as much distance from this man Jesus and his way as possible.

2.  An acknowledged "heathen".  Everyone knows this is what you proclaim.  You have heard the stories, but something has kept you from embracing that label.  However, In your inmost places, your true motives, and the actions that result from them, you are an authentic follower of the way of Jesus -- you just never have attached his name to it.  Perhaps you never understood what the label was really supposed to represent.  Perhaps those that bore the label seemed more the opposite.  Either way, you act like Jesus would act if he were in your situation, you just don't act much like a Christian - at least not the Christians you know.


Would you hesistate even a moment going with door number two?  Probably not.  Regardless of your current religious inclinations as you read this, the man Jesus carries quite a remarkable reputation.

I'd like to suggest that we give people more credit for the loving and selfless things they do, and that we intentionally become blind to religious labels when attempting to understand who has something to teach us and what they have to teach.  There is a lot to learn.

The Man Must Die

Many Christians acknowledge that if Jesus saved his most severe criticism for the religious leadership of his own tradition, he would offer a similar (if not identical) attitude toward contemporary Christian leadership.  His words would likely be far more prophetic than comforting.  Assuming that's a fair prediction, what does that mean for the typical believer today?  How is that relevant for leaders and those with authority?

I don't know.  But I'll make a few educated guesses anyway.  Be scandalized if you wish.

Were Jesus living with us today, he:

1.  Would not at all be impressed by many of our religious observances.  In fact, he'd probably have plenty of criticism for it.  Hope you got thick skin.

2.  Would be hated by anyone who was significantly tied to the current religious establishment.  Eventually there would be calls to silence or discredit him.  That assumes we have moved beyond execution as a valid method to get rid of those who threaten our beloved way of life.

3.  Would probably have lots of friends.  Almost all of them would be non-religious.  Those who are religious would just as likely be Muslim, Buddhist, or animist as anything else.

4.  Would be more likely found in a bar or skate shop than a church.

5.  Would like average (more likely, "below average") messed-up people.  He wouldn't just love them because it's "the right thing to do".  He would really like them.  We're talking about hookers and drug dealers, shady used car salesmen, accident attorneys, porn dealers, street folk ...

6.  Would have the same preference for the poor (financially poor and otherwise) that characterized him in the Gospels.

I found that making this list was a good mental exercise for me.  It forced me to see things with new and honest eyes.  This makes me consider that our religious practices and beliefs are much like fire.  They are a fundamentally good (necessary) thing, but they can easily be just as destructive as positive.  Do we really understand this?  We should.  We need to.

And we need to see those outside our own safe circles as the best people to be with and live among.  Not because they need us - because we need them.  He was a friend to the broken.  Who is that among us?

Ireland's Poet

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths,
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet;
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats

A Post about Posting

Realized lately that many people have strong negative feelings about social networking.  It has only occurred to me in observing this that I am not one of those people.  I have re-started this poor excuse for a blog, tweet most days, and fiddle with facebook on weekends.  I am apparently comfortable sharing personal information via all three.  I think I am trying (without really thinking about it) to force myself into living and thinking with consistency.  I don't want to be a different person depending on where I am or who I'm with.  I don't mean that people who avoid social networking are inconsistent, I am just realizing my own tendency to pretend, and this is one way to do something about it.

Tweets

Not original ideas, but I'd like to believe these are original ways of expressing (perhaps) old ideas. The following is my history of "original" tweets from the past year since I joined Twitter. This is an attempt to encourage new Twitter contributors.

Aversion to reason is a most efficient atheism.

5:05 PM Mar 3rd via web

We are healed by forgiving; then our wound can be converted into strength.

8:07 AM Feb 25th via web

Granting forgiveness seems like giving our aggressor power over us, but the opposite is true. Withholding makes us slaves to bitterness.

8:06 AM Feb 25th via web

Churches are united by common beliefs, and also usually by fear of and resistance to other perspectives. Can this be healthy?

3:38 PM Feb 14th via TinyTwitter

Understanding of things that matter (meaning, people, love, value, morality, god) all involve uncertainty.

3:06 PM Jan 31st via TinyTwitter

We can't examine a person objectively to understand who they are.

3:01 PM Jan 31st via TinyTwitter

Truth: People are inherently good, sometimes in spite of, rather than because of, their religious beliefs.

6:38 PM Jan 20th via web

Religion grows up when it moves from preparing us to enter the next life, to enabling us to live each moment fully, now.

1:53 PM Nov 27th, 2009 via web

Ideas that immediately make sense don't usually make a significant difference.

10:57 AM Oct 31st, 2009 via web

Ironic: the only creatures able to truly self-reflect need to escape the same to live fully.

6:27 PM Oct 12th, 2009 via web

Faith and doubt are partners, not enemies. Faith is belief and unbelief together held in tension.

1:00 PM Oct 6th, 2009 via web

Most arguments of religious people boil down to a conclusion that the other is the real problem in the world, people who just don't get it.

9:10 AM Oct 3rd, 2009 via web

Better an honest doubt than a certain belief unexamined.

3:32 PM Oct 2nd, 2009 via web

If you're not ready to admit your doubt, I'm not interested in hearing about your faith.

5:44 AM Aug 25th, 2009 via web

I am attracted by people who seek the truth. I am frightened by those who claim to have it.

6:31 PM Aug 19th, 2009 via web

Religion is not the acceptance of certain propositions. It is openness to life change.

2:27 PM Aug 16th, 2009 via web

Not getting what I want is often good for me. The trick is not giving up on what I want altogether.

8:50 AM Aug 13th, 2009 via web

religion like medicine: well intended, can be lifesaving, but often abused, deals with symptoms vs problems & carries dangerous side effects.

2:41 PM Jul 11th, 2009 via web

It is a fearful thing to be alone with your thoughts, undistracted.

9:24 PM Jun 12th, 2009 via txt

Authentic leadership assumes willing followers. Coersion and intimidation exclude this possibility.

12:09 PM Jun 10th, 2009 via txt

We each interpret the world in a way that confirms what we already believe. It takes great courage to do otherwise.

3:37 PM Jun 6th, 2009 via txt

Religion, as a method of being good, is a deadly anesthetic.

8:14 AM May 30th, 2009 via txt

Every man is desperate to know he has what it takes. Every man suspects that he does not. We usually deny one or the other.

6:28 AM May 27th, 2009 via txt

The best way to reach a goal is not to aim directly at it, but at a greater goal beyond it.

12:47 PM May 18th, 2009 via web

The only unforgiveable sin is refusal to accept forgiveness.

8:17 AM May 14th, 2009 via txt

No one really seeks evil. We just get twisted up seeking good things in the wrong way, often as if good things are the best thing.

7:17 AM May 12th, 2009 via txt

Our self-reassurance that we are in control does nothing except numb us to amazing and unknown.

12:20 PM May 8th, 2009 via txt

Our addictions are not the problem. They are a symptom.

5:09 AM May 6th, 2009 via txt

The trap: Not that I want too much; I settle for too little.

7:17 AM Apr 29th, 2009 via web

Believing real life only begins after death keeps us selfish and irrelevant. Knowing real life is here&now helps us love people.

4:03 PM Apr 27th, 2009 via web

I have a strong faith in God, but sometimes doubt his existence. What does that mean?

7:51 AM Apr 24th, 2009 via web

Don't tell me what you believe. Show me. That's what you really believe anyway.

1:08 PM Apr 22nd, 2009 via web

If your religion causes you to sin, gouge it out.

9:50 PM Apr 21st, 2009 via txt

The interaction that disagreement requires is usually more important than the solution.

4:14 PM Apr 20th, 2009 via web

Leaping is more courageous than having no fear of the drop.

9:57 PM Apr 18th, 2009 via txt

Those that need Jesus’ teaching the most are usually those who already claim to be his followers.

7:04 AM Apr 17th, 2009 via web

Faith and doubt are not opposites.

9:09 PM Apr 15th, 2009 via txt

It's selfish to deprive someone else the opportunity to love you. Let your guard down.

9:48 AM Apr 15th, 2009 via txt

Pain and Reality

Sharon and I saw Shutter Island this weekend.

*SPOILER ALERT*
Read no further if you have plans to see this film.

The film's hero is called upon to investigate a missing prisoner situation in a high security hospital for the criminally insane. As the story advances we learn that he has experienced traumas similar to many of the institution's "patients", and his memories of these traumas seem to mingle with the histories of the residents.  It turns out that he has in fact been deluding himself; telling himself an enormous lie.  He is himself an inmate of the hospital/prison, but the memory of his crimes and the circumstances that lead to them were so intensley painful that he developed an elaborate fantasy to block them out.

This all struck me as a moderately exaggerated version of what many of us do frequently.  We fear that we can't deal with the pain of loss, disappointment, abuse, regret -- so we pretend its not there, all to our own harm.  The deadly disease is there, whether we acknowledge it or not, but the shocking reality is that we can handle the truth.  Sadly, we are often more comfortable with fantasy than the risk of finding out that this is true and dealing with the change that loss demands.

Ok With That

Reviewing my old blog posts from 5-7 years ago, I can see that my departure from a grasping after certainty has been a long time coming.  Perhaps this is nothing more unusual than a certain degree of maturity.  At least, that's what I'd like to think.  We can't control our lives as we like to imagine.  Things come at us that we can't predict.  The unknown is scary.  At some point we all need to accept this, or we layer barriers of protection around ourselves that cut us off from living fully and really loving people.

I am apparently only now learning to accept all this, although in only a limited way -- as my continued struggles with anger and escapism evidence.  I intend to keep working toward simple acceptance and enjoyment of life as much as possible, including getting rid of the things that limit that for other people.

March 30th at 9:58 AM ...

We've been busy reproducing again. My neighbor says to keep at it ... eventually we'll get it right. Made me laugh out loud, even though she was only half kidding.



Meet "Q". Quinn. Quinton Zachary. "Quinton" means "fifth child", and even though he's #6, the name for sixth (Sextus) was just too over-the-top ...

The Visionary

In a real sense, all life is interrelated. All men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.

Martin Luther King, Jr.
The Man Who Was a Fool, Strength to Love
Atlanta, GA
February 3, 1963

Why?

That's it. Awaiting your comments.

What Do You Believe Is True Even Though You Cannot Prove It?

Great minds ponder a great question.

Warning: Hold tightly to your ears to keep your head from spinning.