Confession of a Doubter

Do you believe God directly intervenes in the world today? Do you see evidence of this yourself? Do you receive subtle signs; sometimes "hear" inaudible voices; or experience unexplained "coincidences" that confirm his activity, presence, intentions?

I am engaged in an ongoing conversation with one of my closest friends on this subject, and we often seem to miss each other. He feels that God does sometimes directly speak in the daily lives of those who are open to hear or see it. I'm more persuaded that most of the things religious folk interpret as the "hand of God" carry quite natural explanations. I have thought that one source of this may be the power of human intuition, fueled by our remarkably rapid subconscious observations that stick in memory even though we can't bring them to conscious thought. The human mind really is a remarkable interpreter: for example, it can build a full picture of a visual scene even when some of the information is not available to our senses. Another interesting phenomenon is our tendency (for good or ill) to interpret activity around us in a way that confirms what we already believe. If you frequent Christian circles, you know that we are often encouraged to eagerly seek these signs. The assumption is that they occur all the time, and the only thing keeping us from recognizing them is our own self-absorption or obstinacy. This honestly makes me feel a bit like a second-class believer, akin to the Pentecostal who never acquires the gift of tongues.

I think one of the stumbling blocks here may be that my view seems to pave the way for outright denial of the existence of God. In truth, I don't feel certain that God exists. I often deal with doubts on this subject, but I also see that we live in an amazing world where things like sunrise and childbirth happen every day. Events sometimes coincide that lead to breathtaking examples of human spirit and generosity.

In spite of my own doubts about God and my suspicions that we often read too much into events, beauty and goodness understood as natural results of the way the world is set up are not ideas that lead me to reject God's existence. In fact, it seems all the more remarkable to me that these things could happen that appear to communicate directly, even if one could conclude that the messages have been on route since the beginning of time. That kind of communication takes some planning, to say the least.

My state of mind may be explainable. I am fully convinced that our view of creator-God (whether he/she exists, and what he/she is like) is influenced most powerfully by our relationship with our natural father. If Dad was loving and engaged, we are able to believe this is true of God. A violent and abusive father passes this image to his progeny. A father who is distant and disinterested, as I perceived my own for some of my formative years, tends to determine the lens accordingly. Think about this for your own situation. My money says you can see similar trends. Paired with that are past encounters with well intended believers who seemed overly enthusiastic to find God's special communication in otherwise mundane events. The Virgin's face in a slice of toast, etc.

It's easy for me to understand the fact that my beliefs are formed by my past and especially parental influence, but that doesn't seem to weaken the fact that I still see God as distant and disinterested. Knowing what alters my perceptions does not seem to give me the ability to adjust the lens. At this point I feel a bit helpless to do more than acknowledge that.

Still, I end up asking the question: What if there is no God? Am I still able to value others and treat them with dignity -- as Jesus would? Would it still make sense to live selflessly: placing the needs of others before my own? I think this is an important question for those who consider ourselves believers. Doubt can open up thought-opportunities that otherwise remain invisible. There are things everyone believes that are not healthy, and there is no other way to dislodge them than to allow for the possibility that we are wrong.