Hurt

As is my habit, I commuted to work by bicycle on Friday. It’s dark both ways, so the bike lights are important. On my way out of the building to come home, I found that I had apparently forgotten to fully re-charge my headlamp.

Should I call my wife? A cab? Maybe look for a lift from a co-worker? I left the building as a typical Independent American Male. No asking for help. Such a thing is shameful to the North American bearers of the XY-chromosome. So, of course, I chose to take the risk. Auh Auh Auh!

I rode off down the hill, after only a few moments I was asking for divine safety. I actually found myself (embarrassingly) singing an 80’s Christian song about angelic protection. At points, I was really quite scared. I could not see where I was going. Oncoming cars could not see me, and would occasionally turn into my path.

Deciding to ride in the dark, despite the risk -- I had gotten myself into my own bad situation -- made me think of the fact that I have done that type of thing many times before, and in far more significant ways.

Again, on a steep uphill (epiphany always come to me on climbs), the idea occurred to me that I had somehow … hurt God’s feelings. Perhaps not by riding in the dark that night, as much as metaphorically doing the same at other times. At first this “hurt feelings” thing seemed like a ridiculous proposition. After all, God does not need my friendship. He exists independent and complete, apart from any other being. Entertaining this thought seemed almost wrong: as if God were a weak, dependent person.

Person.

I realized that up to this point in my life, my “relationship” with God has been less of an actual relationship, and more of a formula, and standard of observance. By “observance”, I don’t necessarily mean formal worship codes, or a list of rules -- I’m talking about my conception of God, and the way I approach him. The idea that he could actually be hurt by my actions (or inaction) was honestly, a new realization. At least, I am now more willing to consider that this is the case.

I think that up to this point, I have not really understood the *personal* love that God has for me (and us). He wants a real relationship with us as any other person might. He seeks us, and is both disappointed and hurt by our rejection of him. This is far different from an angry, vindictive deity who waits to pounce when we step out of line. It’s so funny – I thought that I had dispensed with that caricature of God long ago.

Perhaps this is old news to you. In a way, it is not new to me either. I have believed this on some level all along, but I had not until now really understood it. I am actually ashamed that I have not given God more credit. If I, as a poor parent, could be so broken or moved by the actions and decisions of my own children – I would be willing to jump in front of the proverbial bus for any of them – would God feel less so?